Habits

Habits

Habits are difficult things to break. There are a lot of things I do that happen simply because they’re what I have always done. I have a listing in my internet bookmarks called ‘daily review’. Every time I am on the computer for any length of time I open that list of bookmarks and roll through each of the sites there. I don’t need to see any of those sites. They’re a mix of news, entertainment and web comics that I follow. It’s important to keep up on the news of the day, but there really isn’t a single one of those web sites that I couldn’t catch up with at some other point in the day OR just skip. Seeing the latest “Off The Mark” comic strip is not something that’s going to deeply change my day. I could skip all of them and not really miss anything at all. It’s a hard habit to break.

As it turns out, it’s also challenging to create new habits. Doing good things, making long term positive changes is not easy either. This applies to anything, but it is particularly difficult for me to do this with writing. My writing tends to take a back seat. There are a lot of reasons for this. The main reasons aren’t easy to pin down, but I think the biggest are lack of inspiration and fear of judgment

Writing at the level I really want is work. I tend to write when I am inspired. When I have that spark the words come pouring out. I have pages and pages of hand written notes with almost no scratch outs or edits. I become the Zeus of the story and chunks just pop from my head fully formed. The problem with that is combining inspiration and the actual time needed to sit and get all the words recorded. There’s at least a novel worth of words that have faded away because I couldn’t manage to get them to the page when the dream was fresh or the mood was in full swing. I can’t afford to wait on these pages. I need to sit and write and keep it all in some kind of recorded form, whatever that form may be. Typed, handwritten, voice recording – doesn’t matter. Get the words out there and do it all the time.

It’s easy to hear others talk about these things. I know that Ray Bradbury used to write ten thousand words a day. Sounds like the perfect recipe for writing books. I’ve often snatched a line from one of my other favorite authors. When I heard Jim Butcher talk about writing he said, “I don’t have a muse, I have a mortgage…” I knew there was truth there. Writing is work. Work needs to be done on a regular basis. I do not do enough of that kind of work.

Judgment

The other part of my inability to start good habits is this fear of judgment. If I put myself out there and claim to be a writer I will be judged by my ability to string together coherent statements with the proper use of grammar AND it will all need to be spelled right. Then, after all the basics, I need to actually have something to say.

Two main parts to that. First the spelling and grammar portion is not easy. I am terrible at spelling. I can look at this page alone and see at least 3 words with squiggly red lines under them. They are words that I absolutely should know how to spell and I just can’t seem to get them right. I don’t know why, but they don’t stick. It’s physically difficult for me to keep typing and not go back to edit while I’m letting the words continue to come out. Going back to edit can and should be something that is done after all the words are out. Too often I stop what I am thinking to go back and craft the perfect phrase or clean up all the spelling that is glaring at me in red. Breaking the flow stops the words and just as often as not they don’t start again. Grammar is worse. Grammar is one of those things that I know I should know, but I feel a bit like Gandalf in the LOTR movies, “I have no memory of this place…”. I am faking my way through it all and anyone that has half a clue about how grammar works probably cringes at the word salad I toss out.

Impostor

The second part is the judgment All this writing is out there for people to read, and very few people actually read it. The fact that I can name the people who interact with me when it comes to my writing says a lot about my success. That’s the true judgment part. It’s not having some troll throw angry words down about what I have said, it’s that all of this amounts to nothing. Getting somebody to react, somebody to actually read what I have labored to create would allow them to look at my terrible spelling and grammar and think, “this guy is a writer? I could do better…”. One of the harshest critiques I’ve ever had was at a book signing. The book signing had a line of authors from the anthology. As people shuffled along the line of authors this guy asked me, “and what story was yours?”. When I told him his face froze in place and then he said, “Oh. That one was… nice.”. I thanked him again and he stepped down the line to the next author. That really sucked. He’d read it and it did nothing for him. That was a tough one to overcome, but I’ve kept going in the hopes that I’ll sneak in with the cool kids again one of these days. It’s not easy. I am slowly slipping into the land of old men standing in the yard and yelling at the sky.

After all that

This is the sort of rambling, writerly life-style post that would normally end with some promise not to blog fade or to use the coming new year as an excuse to claim great changes are on the way. I’ve done all that before. I’m sure I’ll re-post one of my successful habits in the coming days about that. What I am going to say is that this is all a work in progress. I have seen some short videos lately that have resonated with me about habits, work ethic and the tool box fallacy. I’ll keep going. In the future somebody will dig these words up and bring them back for judgment – at least I will have made them react.

Post Script:

This is one of those “fully formed” examples. More than a thousand words that poured out all at once. Now to edit…

A Hole

There’s a hole in my blog. We’re going to call that hole August and September.

Most people have the overwhelming urge to apologize for not posting. There will be excuses and statements declaring passion and a list of things that are going to show how the blog has not faded and will be moving forward at a great pace!

That’s not me.

Yes, I probably could have been on here and working at keeping this up. Probably. Maybe not. Sometimes other things get in the way. Life happens. The day job stomps in and grabs up all your time like it was lunch money and you were the kid on the wrong end of the deal.

Sometimes depression sneaks in and strangles your creativity. It uses stress to open the door and before you know what’s happened you’re sitting and staring at reruns because they don’t challenge you and it’s nice to laugh sometimes… right?

I have never actually been diagnosed with depression or anything so official. It certainly felt that way. I didn’t read. I didn’t write. I didn’t paint or draw or create in any way. It was rotten and miserable. I really was busy and the day job was crushing. Lots of things to adjust to in my life added up to me just not having the drive or motivation to do anything but sit and stare. More than once my declared intention was to get home and stare at the wall.

The good news is that seems to be getting better. I’m still crazy busy but certain aspects of things seem to be getting better. Sometimes hanging in there is all you can do. I was hanging and not falling – and that’s the part that really counts.

So – no apologies or grand plans. The hole in the blog remains. I’m starting to work again and we’ll see how that turns out on here together.

On Fandom

This was originally published in Watch The Skies for the January 2019 issue.

Fandom is a wide ranging place. There are folks from across the spectrum of humanity and all around the globe… or at least that’s how it’s supposed to be. Somehow that’s not how it’s working out.

There have been a number of actresses that have recently departed from social media after being harassed to the point that they felt interacting with fans was not worth the effort anymore, or worse it was actively dangerous to them. An actress, long out as gay, was the target of huge amounts of harassment for being picked to play a gay character. Let that sink in for a moment.

A gay actor is not right to play the part of a gay character. Cue Rage Spew and foulness from the dim glow of a screen in a basement.

It almost sounds like this is something new. Social media has been around for more than a decade now, but it has become ubiquitous. Say Facebook and everyone knows what you mean (and likely has an opinion on it). There are other platforms and many methods to be more connected to the people that help to create the things we all know an love.

This harassment is not new and that is what makes it more shameful to me. I listened to an actor talk about how he almost killed himself because of how he was treated after the role he played was deemed unworthy of the franchise he was part of. This was twenty years ago. Yes, twenty (20). This young man thought that his life was done, was not worth moving forward with because of the extraordinary backlash to his role. People hated what he had been part of creating and it almost killed him.

Link Jar Jar

My opening statement means you. Yes you. Fandom is not yours. It is communal property and you do not have a right to harass, threaten, demean or otherwise be shitty to the people that create it. The people creating this art are more open and accessible than any other time in history, and people that can’t behave any better than a four year old that missed snacks and nap time are driving them away. This is NOT acceptable. As a fan I love being able to connect with the folks that make some of the most amazing things. The more people are terrible to these creators (actors are not alone here) the more the creators pull away and become less available to us. All of us.

Fans love to disagree and then expand those discussions over far and wide ranging topics. Arguing about the latest film, book, play or adaptation to whatever form is right down at the core of fandom. Fans should discuss things. Fans absolutely have every right to dislike any media they consume. Fans do not have the right to abuse the people that helped to create it. Fans don’t own the things they love, the can only love or hate them from a distance. Our biggest responsibility as a community is to act with the future in mind. We must create a sense that all are welcome. More than welcoming, we must create an atmosphere and place where the children who see our actions will come to love and understand the same things. The best and only thing we can hope for is that our children see examples of the wonderful creations in fandom and the fantastic people involved and choose to continue making amazing things far into the future. We must show others how to have a good time so that good time will continue.

Fandom is not yours. It belongs to the future. Make that future the best it can be.

The New Year

Yes, It’s later than everyone else but I am finally acknowledging the new year. The end of 2018 was a busy time for me. It was a time for the holidays and family but also when I started to come back from a massive slump. 2018 was a miserable year for me creatively. I read next to nothing, I wrote next to nothing and I did a handful of art pieces that I don’t like much. Terrible. There were a lot of things to be thankful for over the year, but it was still a tough year. It’s easy to put a marker at the change of a calendar year and claim “new” but I had already started all that back before Christmas – now I just need to keep it rolling.

For anyone keeping track I haven’t changed my personal view on resolutions. Many years ago I made a New Year’s resolution to NEVER make a New Year’s resolution again. Guess what? Nailed it again. Still going strong on that one. IF you want or need change in your life, the calendar is convenient, but not required. Make the change to grow or get better when you make that choice. You can do it!

I’m going to apply some of that same enthusiasm to my own work. I’m still struggling along, but I’ll get there. So will you. Have a fantastic 2019 – I look forward to a lot of wonderful stuff.

Slump

I thought initially to title this “The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Slump…” but I thought I might get into trouble with that one.

This year has been terrible for my creative process. I haven’t written, I haven’t read, I have barely pulled together any art.

I don’t know why. It’s frustrating.

I want to write. I want to create my art. I want to read awesome books. I just don’t seem to be able to pull together the motivation to actually DO any of it.

I look back at a quote from one of my favorite authors, “I don’t have a muse, I have a mortgage.”

I think a meeting with a muse could really help right about now.

Busy, busy, busy….

The subject line of this post is actually one of my favorite lines from the Frosty the Snowman Christmas special. It’s after Prof. Hinkle is told by Santa what he needs to do in order to continue to get Christmas gifts. He says he hates to lose and run but that he’s got lots to do. Busy, busy, busy…

And I’ve been busy. Most of the time when blogs “fade away” and then come back the individual writing that blog gets all apologetic and claims to have plans for getting better at keeping up, and many other things. I’m not doing that.

I’ve helped run a convention, I’ve met a movie star I admire, taught classes, created art, met and talked to people from a half dozen countries and still had time to catch a movie in there. It’s been a whirlwind – and I have no intention of slowing down. The stuff I’ve been busy with are the sorts of things that you could put on a checklist of “Hey I did that!” or for some people the “bucket list”. I don’t like to think like that, I just like knowing that I have so much story material now because I’ve gone out and done some amazing stuff with some great people. Hopefully one day I’ll get a bunch of stories written and published ~ but if not, I’ll still have amazing stories to tell.

My Birthday

I’ve made another full spin around the sun. It was my birthday yesterday. I am now shockingly close to being 50 years old. I’m not there yet, but that thought has started creeping around in my head. Does it have some kind of deeper meaning? I suspect that if it does, I’m missing it. It has been pointed out to me lately that I am likely missing quite a few things and that I am notably unobservant about certain things.

In an attempt to take a closer look and attempt not to ‘miss’ anything I’ve been giving the birthday and age thing a few thoughts.

I’ve reached that nebulous age that you can never picture when you’re a kid.

I went through the stage where I claimed I didn’t like girls. I claimed I would never date and certainly never get married (deep shudder). Then I started to figure out that dating was OK and maybe – just maybe girls were acceptable to speak to.

Then there was dating and all the early kinds of things people go through. Do I go and talk to that person? What if they reject me? What if it’s totally publicly humiliating like last time? Is anyone actually interested? What if I never find anyone?

I started trying to picture the future – and it never looked like it does now. It involved the job I have now but the work was the only clear part. I didn’t have anything else particularly nailed down. I thought I did, but looking back on it I realized I had no actual plan. Then I found someone. Well, I thought I’d found “the one”. She didn’t agree, and that hurt quite a lot.

Something I’ve learned over time is that generally speaking I will wind up where I am supposed to be. All of the circumstances surrounding that particular relationship and the subsequent messes following that brought me to the point where I DID meet the one. It has been a crazy journey since then – but NOTHING that you dream about as a kid. It’s not any single thing, but so many little things that the journey brings along with it.

So here I am in that grey area – more than just the hair – where kids tend to not dream about being. That area has brought with it a lot more introspection (or what some folks have deemed ‘naval gazing’) and thoughtfulness about birthdays and their deeper meaning.

In short, I’m doing great. Right on target. I expect to have a fancy new mid-life crisis sports car very soon now – I’ll let you know what color!

Happy New Year!

It’s actually a little difficult to believe that 2018 is upon us. The past year has certainly gone faster than I would have imagined – and not nearly as cleanly. There are lots of reasons that 2017 wasn’t fantastic – but there were certainly a lot of good things for me personally and that’s the level I really have to work at here.

For anyone keeping track I haven’t changed my personal view on resolutions. Many years ago I made a New Year’s resolution to NEVER make a New Year’s resolution again. Guess what? Totally nailed it. Still going strong on that one. IF you want or need change in your life, the calendar is convenient, but not required. Make the change to grow or get better when you make that choice. You can do it!

That being said I do intend to keep forging ahead with my personal projects this year. I’ve still got about 9 things going at any one time. I’m still being a fan, an author and an artist. I game, I work at the day job and I spend time with my awesome family.

I genuinely hope that you and yours have an excellent year – positive feelings and good things should come your way!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Persuasive

One of the things I’m working toward understanding better is how persuasive a really well written piece can be. I’ve been struggling with some of my writing lately and have thankfully had good readers and editors that have helped me get through the work.

I almost always get caught up in the idea of people reading what I write. That sounds silly since I write and publish stories and articles. Every single time I want to put anything on line, on my web site or even on my Facebook feed where it’s only family and friends I have anxiety over my word choice, my punctuation, my lack of grammatical knowledge and my own imposter syndrome issues (not that I’ve really achieved anything to have that issue, but it’s there).

I know some really excellent writers. I am frequently moved by their descriptions of their travels, words written about the works they’re doing or even something as simple as a book review. I have put more than one thing up on my “to read” list because I read a review written by somebody I know – even if it’s a book about something I have no real interest in reading about.

Letting the truth and passion behind the typing is something I’ll be working hard at. I want to be that good – and that takes practice. Maybe I’ll even get persuade people to pick up a book with one of my stories in it…

Your Protest May Vary

This is a republish of my article from the March issue of Watch The Skies Fanzine.

“The artist is the creator of beautiful things.
To reveal art and conceal the artist is art’s aim.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

“Protesting” by pouring thousands of words onto your blog or into your Facebook driven slactavism has become so knee jerk reactionary most people don’t give it any thought. I can’t stand it. I have outrage fatigue. The number of things I see raging across my screen on a daily basis is exhausting. Instant calls to action for the slightest affront. Demands that I join your current bandwagon, even it it’s nothing I’m interested in talking about. Boycotts for things I wouldn’t buy anyway. Petitions wanting my signature despite being something I have no experience with or connection to. It’s a bit like the tiny print that flashes past at the bottom of a car commercial, you see it, but you don’t read or understand it. You go for the flashy picture and the punchy lines. If you noticed the small print or actually stopped it and read the words it would undermine the whole commercial. That’s similar to how I feel about these new, first world, so called protests. The best description I’ve ever heard for this is “The burning of the library of Alexandria by way of the Hot Topic t-shirt printing press”. Grab the easy slogan and go with it. Make a t-shirt and ‘tag’ your friends.

I’m betting that within my first couple of lines here you’ve worked up a comment or two. You’ll soon discover a reason that I am wrong then the venomous words will slide out. By the time you reach the fourth paragraph someone will be trying to figure out what I look like so that I can be burned in effigy. Ready?

There must be both accountability and separation when discussing creators and the things they make. The creation can and should be judged separately from the creator. The creator should be accountable if they take their views public, but their creations can and must be considered apart from the creator. Long, important, creative and scientific endeavors can be brought crashing down in mere moments, potentially without hearing more than a slogan. Don’t believe me? Ask Tim Hunt. Think I’m totally wrong already? Point to Milo Yiannopoulos. Both really interesting examples to discuss.

What does this mean for me? I might go and pick up (or watch or listen to) things created by people who hold political or religious views I don’t agree with when and if I find them worthy of my entertainment dollar. I think Orson Scott Card works best as my personal example. I can’t totally back away from a man so totally intertwined with science fiction as I know it. Do I want to support him? No, I really don’t. For anyone that doesn’t know, Mr. Card is a very well known author. His writing, one of his stories in particular, is the basis for the relatively recent movie Ender’s Game. His list of accomplishments is many and varied. He’s famous. He’s also directly politically opposed to certain views I hold. Personal, important things to me are the opposite of what he wants. When the movie was announced a large and vocal group of people denounced his work based on his personal views. I couldn’t say they were wrong.

In all honesty I’m still trying to figure out where the line is that separates the creator and the work. I realize my personal example is old and out of date now when it comes to protests, but the principle remains. There are no easy answers when it comes to supporting what you believe in and laying out your hard earned money to buy something you enjoy. It absolutely matters, but everyone must consider these things in their own way. The current political climate makes this an even more dangerous place to tread. There have been lots of people smarter, more creative and far more famous than I am that have covered variations on this topic. Oscar Wilde went to jail. George Orwell tried to come to grips with it. I’d rather go with a much more personal example to me because that’s how I think each person should handle their choices.

Here goes –

I am lucky to have a handful of my works published and by way of those publications get invited to attend science fiction conventions. That was actually one of my earliest stated goals as a writer. I wanted to publish enough that I would land on the guest list rather than paying my way in (thus saving me a not insignificant amount of money along the way). In achieving that goal I also learned a great deal about the nature of the industry behind the genre I love that I have taken small, faltering steps into.

I was scheduled to be part of a panel at one of the first conventions I was ever invited to be a guest at. I had very little experience sitting on the presenter side of the table. I had done some research but I was anxious about the topic being presented. I was nervous about being an unknown person sitting before a room full of people interested enough to pick this panel over another. What reason did anyone in the audience have for caring what I had to say about anything, let alone the matter at hand? The panel got rolling and the moderator kept things on a steady path. He had bounced different questions around to the other panel members, then did something I totally didn’t expect. He asked me a direct question based on what he knew of me and what he’d read about me in the convention program. I was stunned. I almost dropped the ball on answering the question because I hadn’t expected anyone to know who I was or care why I was there. I managed to use words and form complete thoughts, but I can’t for the life of me remember what the topic was. I was just blown away.

It was a vital lesson in convention panel attendance. Know who you’re going to be working with when you’re up there in front of people. I had to go and ask somebody who he was when we were done because I’d been so wrapped up in the panel topic I hadn’t remembered I was there to share things with other fans. I had forgotten how many well known people started off as fans and convention attendees. I had no idea who I was sitting with.

Turns out that person was part of the editorial staff for Intergalactic Medicine Show. Somebody working in the industry and in a position to work with writers far better known than I am took the time to look me up and know something about me. He took the time and made the effort when others I’ve met have not. He was unfalteringly polite when we all got a chance to shake hands and chat at little at the end of the panel. It was moving to know he bothered. What I found out later was that he was working directly with OSC at the time. OSC is the publisher and executive editor of Intergalactic Medicine Show. Direct connection to somebody I didn’t want to like or like anything connected to him.

I don’t want to support views directly opposed to something important to me. If I lay out my hard earned money and the person directly benefitting from that uses the money to oppose me am I implicitly helping? My problem is multifaceted. I have never personally met the man. I have heard from many others that have met him and worked with him that he is generous and helpful. I’ve enjoyed his work in the past and often refer to parts of it in discussion with my friends. My direct experience with somebody on his staff was more than positive. Going out of your way to work with somebody that doesn’t directly benefit you is a good thing – and I have since continued to encounter folks directly connected to his organization who have been unfailingly polite, helpful and welcoming. They have always been good to me. Where is the line? This is my dilemma, but it also points to the bigger picture.

I am not a scholar of history by any means but it seems to me an inverted symmetry to have OSC trashed so completely in the same manner as Oscar Wilde more than 100 years ago. Wilde was put on trial and jailed for being against the moral character of society at the time and OSC has been attacked (if not properly tried) for being the diametric opposite of Wilde. The issue remains the same – the artist is not separate from his art. The problem as I see it now is that many folks don’t look beyond that flashy image or the catchy phrase they believe states their position so clearly. Hit the like and share buttons and move on. Mission accomplished. Trial by public opinion – no facts needed.

Much like Lord Henry living vicariously through Dorian’s hedonism most people don’t really commit themselves. They rely on the voyeuristic nature of the internet to maintain a safe distance all the while denouncing everything they watch. They add a virtual voice without any personal stake.

It’s beyond time for people to take a step back and pause before launching the latest barrage of indignation at the world. Did it truly affect you? Do you have direct experience with the subject? The consequences have become much more significant these days for even the smallest missteps. The current atmosphere will kill creativity and expression and discourage others from reaching out and making a learning connection if we are not significantly more cautious. Get out from behind your screen and go talk to people. Meet some folks that aren’t your normal circle. Stretch and learn and try to see things from a new point of view.

Today the pen clearly kills more than the sword. As for me, I’m going to keep working, keep writing and continue trying to find that line separating the artist from the art. I’m going to hope I can convince people to learn to trust and see value in differences. I want people to connect and I particularly hope they do so through the filter of science fiction. I suggest everyone take a serious look at things before denouncing them. Seek out articles and opinions from many sources, not just those that agree with you. Take your time. Do your homework. Step back and consider your reaction before you launch your words out there. Remember to read the small print; your protest may vary.

EDIT:

The creator’s work, judged without his name attached seemed to do OK – see File 770.