A lot of my energy (emotional or otherwise) is still going toward… I don’t even know. Holding things together? Trying to move forward with my creative desires again? Writing without real inspiration is a struggle right now. I’m going to keep putting these things up here for myself, as a form of journal, but also as a reference for anyone who might need them and stumble across my page.

Things will never be the same again. Things can’t be like they were. There is only moving forward. There will be a new normal, although there’s no way to tell what that actually is. Things that have been habits are now coming into question. Why renew something that won’t see the use it did before? Is this box of stuff just uncovered something that needs to actually stay in the house? There clearly hasn’t been a need for it anytime in the past year (or more). Where did all of this stuff come from and what do we do with it now?

My wife had a habit of starting a journal, making three entries and setting it aside. It’s an odd thing to only notice after she’s gone, but there it is. There are easily a half dozen very nice journals with excellent paper and fun covers that have the first three pages or so written on and then added to a stack.

I recently found a journal start from back when her mom died. Beck tried to write out what she was feeling. I’m glad that she did. It’s an odd thing to still have her words, but I am glad for it. She was scared and sad and desperate to have things ‘be right’ again. If I had found this before her passing, I’m not sure I would have understood it well enough. Now I understand it all too clearly. The gap left by a person is never truly filled. I still have moments when I expect her to still be here. Those are not good moments. They are fewer now, but they still happen.

Maybe, in the future, I will pull the first few pages from each of the journals, scan them and create some kind of archive. I’m not sure Beck would like that, but I think my kiddo and I might need it. We shall see if that becomes a reality or not.