Category Archives: Personal Observation

56

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It’s my birthday. Not a significant milestone year, nor a fun round number. Just a Wednesday, in my opinion.

Lots of people put out easy content like this to fill blog posts. I really wanted this to be a filler with that kind of “hey, here’s all the grown up stuff I’m doing” or “check out all the hobby stuff!”, but I just don’t feel much like celebrating this year.

This is my first birthday without Beck. My daughter already had to deal with all these feelings, but it’s my first. I know she’s got a small something brewing (or maybe a big something? Dunno – that’s why they’re surprises). I’ve got to go to work, and I don’t even have the option to work from home.

I’m sure there are new aches and pains, some kind of joke about ‘old’ and all that, but there’s a missing element of joy this year. I’ll smile and celebrate, but it’s just not the same.

Happy Birthday to Me I guess. Here’s to 56.

Balticon 60!

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Over the past Memorial Day weekend I was once again invited to be a participant in the annual science fiction convention put on by the Baltimore Science Fiction Society. I’ve been attending for a long time, and I’ve been a panelist for at least a decade, and probably more. Providing a standard “con report” just doesn’t seem to be… fair? True? I’m not sure I can give a point of view that somebody who does not regularly attend conventions would really find usable. I see things that many con goers would not, simply because I am so familiar with how things work. I miss things that a newcomer might crash into just based on experience.

I was having a discussion with another panelist comparing this convention to another that we have both attended in the past. The ‘other’ convention did not fare well in the comparison.

I don’t think that I’ll be going to The Other Con this year, or perhaps again at all. My last trip there was a less than ideal experience. It isn’t worth my time, effort and treasure to go and put myself through a bunch of nonsense for such minimal returns. I have thought The Other Con to be dying for many years. Most of the people I know who used to attend have moved on to other things. They are not moving toward newer, more modern thinking in order to attract a more youthful audience. This will kill them eventually. Of course this death has been long predicted and has yet to come to pass.

In that aspect, I think Balticon is doing the right things. This year seemed to have a more youthful feel to the attendees, and attendance numbers did look stronger (pure speculative observation on my part). There were V-tubers and panels about virtual games. There was still science and art and publishing, along with costuming and music and so many other things – and that was all good in my opinon. There were thriving conversations and lots of camaraderie that I hadn’t seen there for a while.

The Other Con – I think they have a team of people that have not grown, nor changed in many decades. They demand that others bend to their plan, but have no real plan. Panel timing is a great example. Balticon has now given a half hour between panels for moving around and clearing the room. It means (potentially) fewer panels, but it helps all the guests and panelists feel better about things like that.

I try not to rant and rave about things going wrong. Fandom is a small community and, in the end, a volunteer one. I have worked on many a con staff and understand how difficult the behind the scenes world is. That being said, I know The Other Con can do better… and they chose not to. It’s the choice that bothers me more than the problems.

Please don’t get my wrong. I do understand that Balticon has its issues. Yes, I know about things in the past that are the source of bad feelings and enmity toward people there. I can’t say it’s a perfect con and I support my friends that have (much as I have with The Other Con) to just not go there anymore.

My weekend in Baltimore was bittersweet. It was the first time I’d gone to a convention since Beck’s passing. I was able to connect with old friends and discuss all the glorious memories we had made there in the past. There were some new friends and interesting experiences. There were the panels too! Some panels were good, others were disappointing – and one was a complete panel no-show. Terribly disappointing because I really wanted the details from that one.

I’m going to post about each of the panels I was on individually. Hopefully folks will get something good out of my notes. All in all, it was a good weekend. I hope they ask me to participate again next year.

60!

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No, not my age. At least not yet.

I have been invited to be a panelist at Balticon 60. I’m very glad I’ve been invited again. I’ve been going to Balticon (the annual science fiction convention put on by the Baltimore Science Fiction Society) since #27. I wasn’t a panelist the entire time.

My very first year at the convention the artist guest of honor was Don Maitz. I had no idea who he was, or what was going on in general really, but I walked into the art show and was blown away. I immediately saw his full size painting _40 Thieves_ and couldn’t get enough. Then there was an author reading something cool to some fans who just happened to catch him in the hallway. Panels, games, and an entire convention of people interested in the same stuff I was! Stunned and happy by the end. I definitely wanted more.

A few years into my convention journey I went to a panel and only one of the actual people who were supposed to be on the panel actually showed up. The single panelist was a bit put out by this and decided to just grab a couple of people from the audience to fill the seats and make the panel go. I got asked to sit on the other side of the table for the first time. I was hooked. It was very cool to be on the “making it go” side of things.

So, here we are some decades later at Balticon #60. I’ve been gifted with the chance to discuss all sorts of things over the years and sit with some amazing creators. 

I’m looking forward to this year, but I also expect this year to be bittersweet. My wife won’t be there for the first time since we started this crazy trip together. I will still get to see my friends (those who are still attending, but that’s another matter) and go to dinner, but it won’t be the same. Admittedly, Beck’s attendance had been limited over the last couple of years as her health struggles kept her away from anything with extended walking times involved. She still made the trip down for dinner. She could still hang with any discussion about whatever bonkers topic we came up with. There was a certain intimacy about our trips – and a shared history. I won’t have that intimacy, nor will I have the shared history anymore.

Will I make new memories? I’m sure of it. It simply won’t be the same. Too much is gone. Nothing could be the same. So I will move forward and attend to my panels. I will discuss myriad topics and share meals. It will certainly be a new kind of adventure.

IF you’re in the area and get to the convention, this will be my schedule:

 Start Time      Duration            Room Name          Session ID                      Title
Fri 7:00 PM    1 Hr          Virtual Panel Room 1       704         Knights of the Virtual Table                     
Sat 7:00 PM    1 Hr          Mount Washington           965         Curling Up with Cozy Fantasy                     
Sun 11:30 AM   1 Hr          St. George                 706         Dark Lording for Fun and Profit                   
Sun 1:00 PM    1 Hr          St. George                 699         Actions and Consequences: DMing THAT Guy 

Peer Review

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I suspect it’s depression. As a friend of mine told me, “It’s not official, but you’ve been through the peer review process”.

Have I been diagnosed? No. Do I intend to go see a doctor and get a pill? Also no. I don’t want to be medicated to be “not sad”. This is not only part of what it means to be alive but also an expected part of life. There has been a recent and dramatic change in my life. I lost my partner, my love, my constant. She is gone and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I have days that are… what most would call “acceptable” I think, and then there are bad days. Are there ‘good’ days? I don’t know. If there are days that are ‘good’ then they are very rare indeed. Certainly not reaching any of the heights I have gone to before.

I start with all this because I suppose I think people expect it? I don’t know.

My site here has been lacking for a while now. It has happened in the past, but never quite like this. I’ve been trying to figure out an analogy that would work, some kind of story that would make a more digestible explanation of what I’ve been working with.

You ever go to the fridge, grab a carton or pitcher of juice and when you pick it up it feels a little lighter than you were expecting? There’s still a little bit of hope, but then you open it up and go to pour what you want into a glass and a dribble just makes the bottom of the glass wet and doesn’t come close to giving you the drink you really wanted? That has been me trying to do anything creative. The carton is empty. Sure, there are glimmers. Tiny moments happen when I think, “Oh – I’ll do that…” and then the energy is gone. There’s nothing there.

My creativity really matters to me. Being able to make art or write or create in some way is important and I’ve just had nothing. I don’t even know if the handful of things I’ve done (simply because I had to) even count. I mean, sure, I’ve made a handful of things, but I certainly don’t like them.

Maybe, just maybe, simply going through the motions and finishing something will help. I’m not sure. No promises. No grand gestures. There is the work, and hopefully I’ll be able to get back to it.

Round Number Problems

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An Anniversary

I didn’t start off intending to write about my anniversary. I had other plans for the evening. Plans that generally didn’t involve being sad, crying or going over list upon list of things that are different. There have been a lot of days that haven’t gone as planned in recent times.

Next week as I write this, would have been my wedding anniversary. This year would have marked the 31st year that Beck and I would have been together, but then the round number anniversaries were always times when something big went down.

I couldn’t remember what happened at our 5th anniversary for the longest time, but I actually think that was the year we bought our house. A large expense and definitely a positive and worthy thing to have going on around our special day.

Then there was our 10th. We thought that we should do something special for number ten. Maybe take a special trip, maybe make an extravagant purchase but something to celebrate a nice, round milestone. That was when Beck told me she was pregnant. Super positive, amazing thing for the tenth and definitely not time for traveling or making purchases that didn’t relate to all things baby.

Fifteen is the one, right? I mean it’s not a ten or a twenty, but fifteen is definitely a respectable time to celebrate. We started figuring out what we wanted, where we thought we might go, how travel would work with the kiddo… and Beck landed in the hospital. Her health had been ‘bumpy’ since giving birth and this was just one step of many on our long journey through the health system.

Fine. Twenty. A big deal to make it that far. Kiddo would be old enough that arrangements would be easier, we were more mature in our spending choices but we could still come up with something. This was going to be a great thing! It was going to be BIG! And then I got laid off and was out of work for three months. No money for celebrations. We’ll definitely do something for the twenty-fifth. Twenty five is a full quarter of a century!

Twenty five rolled around. Silver anniversary. We were making plans. It was going to “be a thing”. We were cautiously optimistic, but we could make it work. We had dealt with fifteen years of health issues but we seemed to have those in hand. The kiddo was older now and understood what it meant for Beck and I to go and do a special thing. We were going to make this happen! And then everything shut down because of the pandemic. Nobody was going anywhere. Hunker down and hope you survive.

Last year was number thirty. That’s the ‘pearl’ anniversary if you’re interested in the traditional gifts or labels. Thirty was a struggle. Beck had had a stroke, then another. She struggled to walk. She was slightly off, even on good days. There was no plan. We made it to the little restaurant at the end of the street for a dinner that she only ate half of, then we came right back home. I didn’t complain about it. What was the sense in that? We were together and that was the part that mattered. Big deal celebrations never seemed to be something that worked out for us. It was the last time we had a ‘romantic’ dinner out together.

That’s the round number problem. Did we wait for those round numbers? Absolutely not. That’s something we got right. If we had an opportunity to go do a thing, take a trip or celebrate being together or being a family that’s what we did. We started to get a sense of the round numbers thing so we did a really big anniversary trip for our 24th. It didn’t make any sense to others, but we had an amazing, wonderful, memorable trip. It was such a fantastic thing that will live in my memory forever.

Next week… I don’t know how I’ll navigate it. We never really got into making a big deal of the day itself. We would always recognize it. We always did something but the most important thing was that we did it together. I don’t have that this year for the first time in more than half of my life. It’s a Wednesday, and I have to work, but then what? I don’t know.

Don’t hesitate. Tell people you love them. Give an extra hug. Go on that trip you’ve been putting off. It matters.

Journals Past

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A lot of my energy (emotional or otherwise) is still going toward… I don’t even know. Holding things together? Trying to move forward with my creative desires again? Writing without real inspiration is a struggle right now. I’m going to keep putting these things up here for myself, as a form of journal, but also as a reference for anyone who might need them and stumble across my page.

Things will never be the same again. Things can’t be like they were. There is only moving forward. There will be a new normal, although there’s no way to tell what that actually is. Things that have been habits are now coming into question. Why renew something that won’t see the use it did before? Is this box of stuff just uncovered something that needs to actually stay in the house? There clearly hasn’t been a need for it anytime in the past year (or more). Where did all of this stuff come from and what do we do with it now?

My wife had a habit of starting a journal, making three entries and setting it aside. It’s an odd thing to only notice after she’s gone, but there it is. There are easily a half dozen very nice journals with excellent paper and fun covers that have the first three pages or so written on and then added to a stack.

I recently found a journal start from back when her mom died. Beck tried to write out what she was feeling. I’m glad that she did. It’s an odd thing to still have her words, but I am glad for it. She was scared and sad and desperate to have things ‘be right’ again. If I had found this before her passing, I’m not sure I would have understood it well enough. Now I understand it all too clearly. The gap left by a person is never truly filled. I still have moments when I expect her to still be here. Those are not good moments. They are fewer now, but they still happen.

Maybe, in the future, I will pull the first few pages from each of the journals, scan them and create some kind of archive. I’m not sure Beck would like that, but I think my kiddo and I might need it. We shall see if that becomes a reality or not.

Remembering

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I have been working on something for a while now. It’s taken a lot of effort, emotionally, to get it all done. I can’t say that it’s everything I imagined, but it’s worthy and it’s mine.

I’ve put together a tribute video for my wife. I’m going to continue to game. My group is happy to keep joining me and I’ll keep telling stories with them. It felt important to put together some small pieces so that her game is complete. I know that she left our sessions relatively early on, but her influence continued.

Head over to the channel to check it out if you’re so inclined:

Resolute

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I’ve said it for years and I’m certain I’ll continue to say it for many more – I don’t do resolutions for the new year.


Many years ago I made a new year’s resolution to never make a resolution just because it was the new year. It is one that I have managed to maintain ever since. True, meaningful change will be a choice in time that doesn’t need to be dictated by the flip of a calendar. New projects or self improvement can happen at any time, it’s all about committing to the change.

Will things change in the coming year? Yes, absolutely. 2025 is easily the worst year of my life. I don’t think I can emphasize that enough. Absolutely awful, across the board. The past 5 months have been a constant challenge filled with emotional wreckage. Days, weeks, months of things that will never, ever be the same. So the coming year can’t help but be different. It will be a year of firsts, or things that are happening again that haven’t happened in a very, very long time. There’s a gap in my life right now that I will need to navigate around or through, depending on the situation.

There will be ups, there will be downs and there will still be the grind. The day job is still there, no matter how much I don’t like it right now. My game is still going along with my YouTube channel, and that’s a very positive thing for me. I hope it brings some small amount of joy to others as well. Life is going to keep moving forward and I’m going to keep trying to do better.

There will be at least one convention this year, hopefully a new published story and if all goes right, a big, fancy vacation. More books will be read and reviewed. More games played, and perhaps even reviewed or discussed here as well.

Here’s hoping the coming year is better than the previous. Strive for the good. Move toward the betterment of yourself and others, and do everything you can to bring joy.

Happy New Year.

Reading Statistics

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I posted up a summary of a decade of reading last year. I am not a spreadsheet person, nor did I make a graph but I did lay out the numbers. I averaged just a little over 22 books a year during that time. Pretty close to two per month.

This year I made it to 19 (20 if you count the one I’m reading right now because it will probably be done by the end of the week). All things considered, not a bad amount. The month to month has understandable gaps, and some of the selections I made were decidedly shorter than others, but they were still books and they still counted as reading.

If I stated some kind of goal or set out to specifically read any number of books for the coming year I think that would turn something enjoyable and relaxing into work. As if I just had to get to that next or last book to make a quota. I do things like that (personal goals that mean nothing to anyone other than the voices in my head) but I think for relaxation time it would become a problem.

I’m pretty sure I’ll hit 11 in the coming year, as that’s how many meetings of Watch The Skies we’ll have and we pick a book each month, but beyond that I just hope the book selections I get will be really good stories. I want to have a book that I sneak a peek into while I’m on a break at work. I want a story that inspires me to go and create fan art for it. That’s the sign of a good year of books in my mind.

How did your year of reading go?

An Anniversary

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Today, the 28th of December, is the anniversary of The Pretend Blog. No, it wasn’t always on my own website – it took time to reach that level of understanding and commitment. I’m sure the Live Journal stuff is still out there, I’m just not sure who owns it now and that’s part of why I moved to my own site.


I’ve been writing here and posting whatever I feel like for years now. As I said at the very start, I do this because it’s a thing I want, not a thing that is required in some way. I try to post things on the regular, but that has never been my strong suit. My writing is mercurial and moody on a good day. That’s one of the biggest reasons why I don’t believe I could make it as a freelance writer. I’ve gone weeks without the ‘mood’ moving me to write. That’s fine when the day job fills that space and a paycheck still comes in. Not so good when getting said paycheck means slapping words onto a page… or piling up some pixels.

The Pretend Blog is going to continue. I intend to maintain it as long as I am able. I want there to be a place that is controlled by me. What I post here is mine. No, I still don’t know anything about making my web spot fancy. Yes, the colors should be better and an actual graphic artist should have done my site picture… but that’s just it. What is here is mine. My good stuff, my ugly stuff, all of it.

I’m hoping to have a more consistent presence here, but I’ve said that in the past and it hasn’t happened. I need to be real with myself and just keep posting as I go and putting the things I want up here. Yes, some of the things will age well. No, some of what’s up here won’t age well. People can grow and change and become better than they were. For better or worse, I’m going to continue to pretend people read my blog.