60!

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No, not my age. At least not yet.

I have been invited to be a panelist at Balticon 60. I’m very glad I’ve been invited again. I’ve been going to Balticon (the annual science fiction convention put on by the Baltimore Science Fiction Society) since #27. I wasn’t a panelist the entire time.

My very first year at the convention the artist guest of honor was Don Maitz. I had no idea who he was, or what was going on in general really, but I walked into the art show and was blown away. I immediately saw his full size painting _40 Thieves_ and couldn’t get enough. Then there was an author reading something cool to some fans who just happened to catch him in the hallway. Panels, games, and an entire convention of people interested in the same stuff I was! Stunned and happy by the end. I definitely wanted more.

A few years into my convention journey I went to a panel and only one of the actual people who were supposed to be on the panel actually showed up. The single panelist was a bit put out by this and decided to just grab a couple of people from the audience to fill the seats and make the panel go. I got asked to sit on the other side of the table for the first time. I was hooked. It was very cool to be on the “making it go” side of things.

So, here we are some decades later at Balticon #60. I’ve been gifted with the chance to discuss all sorts of things over the years and sit with some amazing creators. 

I’m looking forward to this year, but I also expect this year to be bittersweet. My wife won’t be there for the first time since we started this crazy trip together. I will still get to see my friends (those who are still attending, but that’s another matter) and go to dinner, but it won’t be the same. Admittedly, Beck’s attendance had been limited over the last couple of years as her health struggles kept her away from anything with extended walking times involved. She still made the trip down for dinner. She could still hang with any discussion about whatever bonkers topic we came up with. There was a certain intimacy about our trips – and a shared history. I won’t have that intimacy, nor will I have the shared history anymore.

Will I make new memories? I’m sure of it. It simply won’t be the same. Too much is gone. Nothing could be the same. So I will move forward and attend to my panels. I will discuss myriad topics and share meals. It will certainly be a new kind of adventure.

IF you’re in the area and get to the convention, this will be my schedule:

 Start Time      Duration            Room Name          Session ID                      Title
Fri 7:00 PM    1 Hr          Virtual Panel Room 1       704         Knights of the Virtual Table                     
Sat 7:00 PM    1 Hr          Mount Washington           965         Curling Up with Cozy Fantasy                     
Sun 11:30 AM   1 Hr          St. George                 706         Dark Lording for Fun and Profit                   
Sun 1:00 PM    1 Hr          St. George                 699         Actions and Consequences: DMing THAT Guy 

Peer Review

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I suspect it’s depression. As a friend of mine told me, “It’s not official, but you’ve been through the peer review process”.

Have I been diagnosed? No. Do I intend to go see a doctor and get a pill? Also no. I don’t want to be medicated to be “not sad”. This is not only part of what it means to be alive but also an expected part of life. There has been a recent and dramatic change in my life. I lost my partner, my love, my constant. She is gone and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I have days that are… what most would call “acceptable” I think, and then there are bad days. Are there ‘good’ days? I don’t know. If there are days that are ‘good’ then they are very rare indeed. Certainly not reaching any of the heights I have gone to before.

I start with all this because I suppose I think people expect it? I don’t know.

My site here has been lacking for a while now. It has happened in the past, but never quite like this. I’ve been trying to figure out an analogy that would work, some kind of story that would make a more digestible explanation of what I’ve been working with.

You ever go to the fridge, grab a carton or pitcher of juice and when you pick it up it feels a little lighter than you were expecting? There’s still a little bit of hope, but then you open it up and go to pour what you want into a glass and a dribble just makes the bottom of the glass wet and doesn’t come close to giving you the drink you really wanted? That has been me trying to do anything creative. The carton is empty. Sure, there are glimmers. Tiny moments happen when I think, “Oh – I’ll do that…” and then the energy is gone. There’s nothing there.

My creativity really matters to me. Being able to make art or write or create in some way is important and I’ve just had nothing. I don’t even know if the handful of things I’ve done (simply because I had to) even count. I mean, sure, I’ve made a handful of things, but I certainly don’t like them.

Maybe, just maybe, simply going through the motions and finishing something will help. I’m not sure. No promises. No grand gestures. There is the work, and hopefully I’ll be able to get back to it.

Art is still happening…

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Creativity has been hard to come by of late. I’m still struggling. Some of the work I have done is… stuff I’d rather not claim in fact. I don’t like it, but there were deadlines. I *have* been doing little things as I am inspired.

I’m still running the TTRPG Dungeons & Dragons game. There are still videos being posted and all the fun associated with sharing that story with my friends. It has also given me a framework to hang some of my inspiration on. I think this might be the way to rebuild or repair and restart the creation engine.

I have been working through a particular story line and striving to bring just the right words to the players to evoke images and push imaginations forward. Recently I decided to create a picture of an intricate door to accompany my description.

This is the result:

It is no masterpiece, but it IS complete. The first creative endeavor strictly for my own pleasure in quite a long time. Small steps, moving forward. Art can help, and creating things like this has always been part of me. It’s good to be moving that way again.

Am I a Crawler?

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Dungeon Crawler Carl by Matt Dinniman

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Having just posted about a book that was a love story with romance and poetry… this is not that.

I was skeptical about this book. Anything with ‘buzz’ just sounds like a lot of disappointment waiting to happen. Pop culture often feels like a thing I want to avoid more than something I should know.

I have finished this one off at a very rapid pace – and have purchased the second in the series. That will stand as its own recommendation I think. Moving on to the second in a series is a rare thing for me.

This book could be considered a full story. Did I need to go to the second one? That is a pet peeve of mine – just stopping a story in the middle for the sake of creating a second book. I loathe that publishing tactic. This story teetered on the edge of that, but there was just enough closure to work. The writing style is very easy to read, with short chapters that keep the action moving right along.

The book starts with the set up from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and just moves in a different direction. Some of the humor seems cruel to me, but that, perhaps, is the point. The aliens aren’t trying to be nice, they’re trying to wipe people out while producing a Running Man style show where the characters are abused for the entertainment of the audience. I am not super fond of the main character, nor am I enough of a cat fan to be overly attached to the main duo. What this story does deliver is enough interesting world building to make the action feel important. There are a ton of threads dangling in the story that (if the author is good) will get tied back into the story later.

So… good, but will it carry past the second novel? We shall see.



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Time Shifting

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This Is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


I suspect it will shock some people who know and repeatedly hear about my penchant for simpler hero stories and books that go boom, I very much enjoyed this book.

Is it flowery, poetic and romantic? Yes. It is all those things and more. It has a longing in it that the author brings out in each of the characters. So different, yet not really that different at all. When one is deeply involved in a thing, sometimes the only other who can truly understand is also deeply involved in the same thing. Being on opposite sides becomes academic when there aren’t any others who share the profound depth of knowledge and experience.

I can’t match the language skills of the authors, but I will say I enjoyed this elevated text. Love is not easy, and neither is the relationship in this story. The delivery methods for messages were fascinating. One that still stands out is, “…burn before reading…”. Time shifting stories often get trapped in a cycle of what if scenarios and technicalities, but this story only hints at the full background and gives just enough to make it believable. In the end, the simplest clues and the smallest actions give pause to the reader and concern for the relationship, while showing hints of a deepening love.

An excellent book. Absolutely recommend to the romantics out there.



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Round Number Problems

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An Anniversary

I didn’t start off intending to write about my anniversary. I had other plans for the evening. Plans that generally didn’t involve being sad, crying or going over list upon list of things that are different. There have been a lot of days that haven’t gone as planned in recent times.

Next week as I write this, would have been my wedding anniversary. This year would have marked the 31st year that Beck and I would have been together, but then the round number anniversaries were always times when something big went down.

I couldn’t remember what happened at our 5th anniversary for the longest time, but I actually think that was the year we bought our house. A large expense and definitely a positive and worthy thing to have going on around our special day.

Then there was our 10th. We thought that we should do something special for number ten. Maybe take a special trip, maybe make an extravagant purchase but something to celebrate a nice, round milestone. That was when Beck told me she was pregnant. Super positive, amazing thing for the tenth and definitely not time for traveling or making purchases that didn’t relate to all things baby.

Fifteen is the one, right? I mean it’s not a ten or a twenty, but fifteen is definitely a respectable time to celebrate. We started figuring out what we wanted, where we thought we might go, how travel would work with the kiddo… and Beck landed in the hospital. Her health had been ‘bumpy’ since giving birth and this was just one step of many on our long journey through the health system.

Fine. Twenty. A big deal to make it that far. Kiddo would be old enough that arrangements would be easier, we were more mature in our spending choices but we could still come up with something. This was going to be a great thing! It was going to be BIG! And then I got laid off and was out of work for three months. No money for celebrations. We’ll definitely do something for the twenty-fifth. Twenty five is a full quarter of a century!

Twenty five rolled around. Silver anniversary. We were making plans. It was going to “be a thing”. We were cautiously optimistic, but we could make it work. We had dealt with fifteen years of health issues but we seemed to have those in hand. The kiddo was older now and understood what it meant for Beck and I to go and do a special thing. We were going to make this happen! And then everything shut down because of the pandemic. Nobody was going anywhere. Hunker down and hope you survive.

Last year was number thirty. That’s the ‘pearl’ anniversary if you’re interested in the traditional gifts or labels. Thirty was a struggle. Beck had had a stroke, then another. She struggled to walk. She was slightly off, even on good days. There was no plan. We made it to the little restaurant at the end of the street for a dinner that she only ate half of, then we came right back home. I didn’t complain about it. What was the sense in that? We were together and that was the part that mattered. Big deal celebrations never seemed to be something that worked out for us. It was the last time we had a ‘romantic’ dinner out together.

That’s the round number problem. Did we wait for those round numbers? Absolutely not. That’s something we got right. If we had an opportunity to go do a thing, take a trip or celebrate being together or being a family that’s what we did. We started to get a sense of the round numbers thing so we did a really big anniversary trip for our 24th. It didn’t make any sense to others, but we had an amazing, wonderful, memorable trip. It was such a fantastic thing that will live in my memory forever.

Next week… I don’t know how I’ll navigate it. We never really got into making a big deal of the day itself. We would always recognize it. We always did something but the most important thing was that we did it together. I don’t have that this year for the first time in more than half of my life. It’s a Wednesday, and I have to work, but then what? I don’t know.

Don’t hesitate. Tell people you love them. Give an extra hug. Go on that trip you’ve been putting off. It matters.

Breadknives and BS

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Brigands & Breadknives by Travis Baldree

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


I didn’t know what to expect with this entry into the world of Legends & Lattes. I hadn’t read anything leading up to it, nor did I read the back cover copy. I enjoyed the first one, and the second one was ok. I have been leaning toward ‘cozy’ lately and this seemed like it would fit the bill.

It is still cozy… but there’s a lot more action and a lot more peril in this one than in the previous entries. The whole thing is a very interesting take on adventure. It starts without intention to adventure, morphs into a mid-life crisis and wraps up as something I can’t really identify.

(SPOILERS AHEAD)

I wanted to empathize with Fern more than I could. Going from the position of ‘I have everything’ to ‘I can’t be here anymore’ seemed very abrupt. Running away from your problems is not a heroic thing, and I generally have a lot of problems with that. I think if there was some return to wrap up the story that was more than ‘I am broken and I won’t be here anymore’ it might have been better? Just abandon your pet? I’m shocked more people aren’t upset about that. Come back to your friends just long enough to… make yourself feel better about what you did?

I’m sure there’s a part of this that’s supposed to be a happy ending where Fern is off with the unintentional bad guy that she thought smelled good – but I just don’t see it. Maybe it’s me?



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Black Leopard, not read wolf~

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Black Leopard, Red Wolf by Marlon James

My rating: 1 of 5 stars


I put this work into the same category as I do many other works that win awards for reasons beyond my understanding. I don’t get it. I am clearly not the right audience for this work. Part of my dislike is the writer’s style. Part of my dislike is the sexual violence. Part of my dislike is the main character… I just don’t connect. I gave this more than one shot, but just never got past about chapter 4 or 5.

I will say this title did provide for interesting discussion among the members of our club. Interesting discussion is about as far as I can recommend it.



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Something I did not add to my Goodreads review is the artwork I created based on whatever inspiration I could find in the portion of the book I did read. The visuals of this mystic tree and following various forms of a being through the mist did help me create this work. It was also nice that I got some small amount of feedback on the art. IF I can create something and it provides enough of a mood or a feeling that you are compelled to comment that’s a good sign.

Journals Past

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A lot of my energy (emotional or otherwise) is still going toward… I don’t even know. Holding things together? Trying to move forward with my creative desires again? Writing without real inspiration is a struggle right now. I’m going to keep putting these things up here for myself, as a form of journal, but also as a reference for anyone who might need them and stumble across my page.

Things will never be the same again. Things can’t be like they were. There is only moving forward. There will be a new normal, although there’s no way to tell what that actually is. Things that have been habits are now coming into question. Why renew something that won’t see the use it did before? Is this box of stuff just uncovered something that needs to actually stay in the house? There clearly hasn’t been a need for it anytime in the past year (or more). Where did all of this stuff come from and what do we do with it now?

My wife had a habit of starting a journal, making three entries and setting it aside. It’s an odd thing to only notice after she’s gone, but there it is. There are easily a half dozen very nice journals with excellent paper and fun covers that have the first three pages or so written on and then added to a stack.

I recently found a journal start from back when her mom died. Beck tried to write out what she was feeling. I’m glad that she did. It’s an odd thing to still have her words, but I am glad for it. She was scared and sad and desperate to have things ‘be right’ again. If I had found this before her passing, I’m not sure I would have understood it well enough. Now I understand it all too clearly. The gap left by a person is never truly filled. I still have moments when I expect her to still be here. Those are not good moments. They are fewer now, but they still happen.

Maybe, in the future, I will pull the first few pages from each of the journals, scan them and create some kind of archive. I’m not sure Beck would like that, but I think my kiddo and I might need it. We shall see if that becomes a reality or not.

Remembering

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I have been working on something for a while now. It’s taken a lot of effort, emotionally, to get it all done. I can’t say that it’s everything I imagined, but it’s worthy and it’s mine.

I’ve put together a tribute video for my wife. I’m going to continue to game. My group is happy to keep joining me and I’ll keep telling stories with them. It felt important to put together some small pieces so that her game is complete. I know that she left our sessions relatively early on, but her influence continued.

Head over to the channel to check it out if you’re so inclined: