I suspect it’s depression. As a friend of mine told me, “It’s not official, but you’ve been through the peer review process”.

Have I been diagnosed? No. Do I intend to go see a doctor and get a pill? Also no. I don’t want to be medicated to be “not sad”. This is not only part of what it means to be alive but also an expected part of life. There has been a recent and dramatic change in my life. I lost my partner, my love, my constant. She is gone and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I have days that are… what most would call “acceptable” I think, and then there are bad days. Are there ‘good’ days? I don’t know. If there are days that are ‘good’ then they are very rare indeed. Certainly not reaching any of the heights I have gone to before.

I start with all this because I suppose I think people expect it? I don’t know.

My site here has been lacking for a while now. It has happened in the past, but never quite like this. I’ve been trying to figure out an analogy that would work, some kind of story that would make a more digestible explanation of what I’ve been working with.

You ever go to the fridge, grab a carton or pitcher of juice and when you pick it up it feels a little lighter than you were expecting? There’s still a little bit of hope, but then you open it up and go to pour what you want into a glass and a dribble just makes the bottom of the glass wet and doesn’t come close to giving you the drink you really wanted? That has been me trying to do anything creative. The carton is empty. Sure, there are glimmers. Tiny moments happen when I think, “Oh – I’ll do that…” and then the energy is gone. There’s nothing there.

My creativity really matters to me. Being able to make art or write or create in some way is important and I’ve just had nothing. I don’t even know if the handful of things I’ve done (simply because I had to) even count. I mean, sure, I’ve made a handful of things, but I certainly don’t like them.

Maybe, just maybe, simply going through the motions and finishing something will help. I’m not sure. No promises. No grand gestures. There is the work, and hopefully I’ll be able to get back to it.