Working on Working

Make no mistake, writing is work. I know there are people out there who throw down thousands upon thousands of words and they just seem to flow out of them, but even for those people this is work.

I’m beginning to get myself back to a creative place and be able to do this work more regularly. This is a boon for actually putting words up here. Sometimes there are extra words that don’t actually fit in the stories I’m working on and they slop over the side of the cup. On good days I can mop up those words and squeeze them out into something vaguely coherent here.

Sometimes those words just leave a ring shaped stain on my desk.

The most difficult times are when I really want to lay down a screed about something that has caught my attention in the news and I just don’t have the ability to get here and do it. It’s a spoon thing for folks that subscribe to that analogy. I just run out of spoons.

A good example of this is the latest Star Wars film. I went to see it on opening day. I was at the theater for the earliest show. I went early and had my favorite seat, right in the middle in the middle. Popcorn in hand I was on board to see more Star Wars!

I watched it. I was confused by so many parts of it. It was big, it was splashy and decidedly a “need to see it on the big screen” kind of film. That was the best thing I could say for it. There were a ton of clearly fan service moments in there. There were a ton of really questionable story telling choices. I would honestly need to see it again just to parse out all the weird combinations of stuff that either did or didn’t work. What I really needed to do at the time was jump on here and write all those things down while they were fresh in my mind…

And here I am a month later mentioning that I wanted to talk about it.

Would the words still be relevant? The moment is past. There are a half dozen other things that have come up and made waves since then. There are tons and tons of reviews in either direction (love it or hate it ~ take your pick) and my take would be a rehash of various parts of a lot of them. I didn’t get to the work in time.

That actually brings up another point. Work. I like putting my thoughts up here and having a place where I can land all this stuff that is my own. It’s my web site ~ I own it. I will put what I want up here, when I want to put it here and not worry if some massive company is going to accidentally “ban” me for a month or whatever. It’s my own and I will do as I please. It is my own, and this doesn’t pay. All these words are free and sometimes I need to focus on the words that pay. I will be the first to tell you that they don’t pay well, but they do pay (from time to time).

So I’m going to continue to work. If you’ve meandered with my train of thought all the way to the bottom of this ~ thank you. I appreciate that you’re reading. I’m off now to hammer out some more of those words that are supposed to pay.

If you’d like to see a really amusing take on all sorts of aspects of the most recent Star Wars film that didn’t really work head on over to YouTube and check out Pitch Meeting. I thought it was more than funny, it was pretty right on.

Habits

Habits

Habits are difficult things to break. There are a lot of things I do that happen simply because they’re what I have always done. I have a listing in my internet bookmarks called ‘daily review’. Every time I am on the computer for any length of time I open that list of bookmarks and roll through each of the sites there. I don’t need to see any of those sites. They’re a mix of news, entertainment and web comics that I follow. It’s important to keep up on the news of the day, but there really isn’t a single one of those web sites that I couldn’t catch up with at some other point in the day OR just skip. Seeing the latest “Off The Mark” comic strip is not something that’s going to deeply change my day. I could skip all of them and not really miss anything at all. It’s a hard habit to break.

As it turns out, it’s also challenging to create new habits. Doing good things, making long term positive changes is not easy either. This applies to anything, but it is particularly difficult for me to do this with writing. My writing tends to take a back seat. There are a lot of reasons for this. The main reasons aren’t easy to pin down, but I think the biggest are lack of inspiration and fear of judgment

Writing at the level I really want is work. I tend to write when I am inspired. When I have that spark the words come pouring out. I have pages and pages of hand written notes with almost no scratch outs or edits. I become the Zeus of the story and chunks just pop from my head fully formed. The problem with that is combining inspiration and the actual time needed to sit and get all the words recorded. There’s at least a novel worth of words that have faded away because I couldn’t manage to get them to the page when the dream was fresh or the mood was in full swing. I can’t afford to wait on these pages. I need to sit and write and keep it all in some kind of recorded form, whatever that form may be. Typed, handwritten, voice recording – doesn’t matter. Get the words out there and do it all the time.

It’s easy to hear others talk about these things. I know that Ray Bradbury used to write ten thousand words a day. Sounds like the perfect recipe for writing books. I’ve often snatched a line from one of my other favorite authors. When I heard Jim Butcher talk about writing he said, “I don’t have a muse, I have a mortgage…” I knew there was truth there. Writing is work. Work needs to be done on a regular basis. I do not do enough of that kind of work.

Judgment

The other part of my inability to start good habits is this fear of judgment. If I put myself out there and claim to be a writer I will be judged by my ability to string together coherent statements with the proper use of grammar AND it will all need to be spelled right. Then, after all the basics, I need to actually have something to say.

Two main parts to that. First the spelling and grammar portion is not easy. I am terrible at spelling. I can look at this page alone and see at least 3 words with squiggly red lines under them. They are words that I absolutely should know how to spell and I just can’t seem to get them right. I don’t know why, but they don’t stick. It’s physically difficult for me to keep typing and not go back to edit while I’m letting the words continue to come out. Going back to edit can and should be something that is done after all the words are out. Too often I stop what I am thinking to go back and craft the perfect phrase or clean up all the spelling that is glaring at me in red. Breaking the flow stops the words and just as often as not they don’t start again. Grammar is worse. Grammar is one of those things that I know I should know, but I feel a bit like Gandalf in the LOTR movies, “I have no memory of this place…”. I am faking my way through it all and anyone that has half a clue about how grammar works probably cringes at the word salad I toss out.

Impostor

The second part is the judgment All this writing is out there for people to read, and very few people actually read it. The fact that I can name the people who interact with me when it comes to my writing says a lot about my success. That’s the true judgment part. It’s not having some troll throw angry words down about what I have said, it’s that all of this amounts to nothing. Getting somebody to react, somebody to actually read what I have labored to create would allow them to look at my terrible spelling and grammar and think, “this guy is a writer? I could do better…”. One of the harshest critiques I’ve ever had was at a book signing. The book signing had a line of authors from the anthology. As people shuffled along the line of authors this guy asked me, “and what story was yours?”. When I told him his face froze in place and then he said, “Oh. That one was… nice.”. I thanked him again and he stepped down the line to the next author. That really sucked. He’d read it and it did nothing for him. That was a tough one to overcome, but I’ve kept going in the hopes that I’ll sneak in with the cool kids again one of these days. It’s not easy. I am slowly slipping into the land of old men standing in the yard and yelling at the sky.

After all that

This is the sort of rambling, writerly life-style post that would normally end with some promise not to blog fade or to use the coming new year as an excuse to claim great changes are on the way. I’ve done all that before. I’m sure I’ll re-post one of my successful habits in the coming days about that. What I am going to say is that this is all a work in progress. I have seen some short videos lately that have resonated with me about habits, work ethic and the tool box fallacy. I’ll keep going. In the future somebody will dig these words up and bring them back for judgment – at least I will have made them react.

Post Script:

This is one of those “fully formed” examples. More than a thousand words that poured out all at once. Now to edit…

Digging into things

Since I wrote up my post about the gap in my blog I’ve been going back and digging stuff up that I’ve been meaning to talk about. I often grab and save links to articles that spark something in me. I want to be timely in my discussions, but never at the expense of decent writing and forethought.

Back in July I saw this article over at Tor.

https://www.tor.com/2019/07/01/was-1999-the-year-nerd-culture-began-to-take-over-the-world/

You should read it. The two things that caught my eye were the claim of a ‘coming out’ year for fandom and an acceptance of the label(s) geek / nerd.

The first part about the coming out year caught my eye. I’ve written before about the influence of films on my own fandom. Movies that are still resonating today came out when I was a young teen (Terminator anyone?). I somehow thought this was a thing that might not have been repeatable, but then there was 2015. The movies that hit during that year were big and amazing. I’ve written a couple of times about how I think / hope my daughter will have positive memories and just as much influence from these films as I had with the crop from back in 1984. What I failed to understand was that this type of influence could be just about any year. The author of that article could have been on to something. I don’t agree with all the movie choices, but I wasn’t a teen in 1999. I absolutely agree with the assertion of the Matrix being a massively influential film. Things since then really have heated up.

The second part of that is more problematic for me. For a very long time my “nerdom” was something I made every attempt to hide. It was never popular to be called that when I was growing up. D&D wasn’t accepted as an influential part of culture, it was a derided thing that cost me friendships because some parents bought into the panic about the game. I learned to avoid talking about my favorite hobby. I was not immune to the social pressure to fit in and get along. That formative experience hasn’t left me.

No matter how popular “nerdy” things become I don’t think I’ll ever shake that. I hold my fandom close and tend not to share it.

I actively question the hot new trend to claim to be a nerd or a geek or a comic fan because you’ve seen all the Marvel movies. I’ve seen some of the so called celebrations of geekdom and I don’t think they’re as celebratory as people want to believe they are. The amount of things out there relating to science fiction and fantasy is stunning. It’s an unprecedented level of availability. All of those things feel temproary to me. It’s a bunch of people that don’t really care about fandom, but they DO care that they can make a buck from it. Media and movie folks are looking for any way possible to come up with, package, and sell the next ‘hot’ nerd thing. They don’t care about what’s in the package, just that they can sell it.

Suddenly everyone is claiming to be a geek or a nerd of some variety. The glut of marketing material for these ‘geeky’ things brings to mind a quote. “It’s the burning of the library of Alexandria by way of the Hot Topic t-shirt printing press”.

In short, I don’t buy it.

Another topic belongs right here – and that is toxic fandom. I won’t go into it right now (perhaps another post) but it’s a real thing. I suspect it’s a backlash to the popular thing. The ever present push back of being ‘cool’ by not buying into the trend.

I’m very glad there are folks out there who enjoy so many of the same things I do. I love the level of availability of all the cool things that tie in to my favorite books or games or movies. I’m thrilled to see an influx of diversity. I will continue to be wary. I’m in fandom for the long haul. I hope you are too.

A Hole

There’s a hole in my blog. We’re going to call that hole August and September.

Most people have the overwhelming urge to apologize for not posting. There will be excuses and statements declaring passion and a list of things that are going to show how the blog has not faded and will be moving forward at a great pace!

That’s not me.

Yes, I probably could have been on here and working at keeping this up. Probably. Maybe not. Sometimes other things get in the way. Life happens. The day job stomps in and grabs up all your time like it was lunch money and you were the kid on the wrong end of the deal.

Sometimes depression sneaks in and strangles your creativity. It uses stress to open the door and before you know what’s happened you’re sitting and staring at reruns because they don’t challenge you and it’s nice to laugh sometimes… right?

I have never actually been diagnosed with depression or anything so official. It certainly felt that way. I didn’t read. I didn’t write. I didn’t paint or draw or create in any way. It was rotten and miserable. I really was busy and the day job was crushing. Lots of things to adjust to in my life added up to me just not having the drive or motivation to do anything but sit and stare. More than once my declared intention was to get home and stare at the wall.

The good news is that seems to be getting better. I’m still crazy busy but certain aspects of things seem to be getting better. Sometimes hanging in there is all you can do. I was hanging and not falling – and that’s the part that really counts.

So – no apologies or grand plans. The hole in the blog remains. I’m starting to work again and we’ll see how that turns out on here together.

Sharp Eyes and the End of the World

One of the panels I was on at Philcon was titled “A Creative Apocalypse” and the description was, “What creative and original – but scientifically plausible – ways are left for storytellers to destroy the world?”

I kind of struggled with this question initially. Creative I can handle, it’s the scientifically plausible that I was worried about. Part of me really wanted to separate out destruction of all human life from actual destruction of the planet, but that line of discussion didn’t get far. Not much of a story without the people (still horribly narcissistic if you ask me).

Then I seemed to recall something about massive ant colonies that spanned across vast distances. I didn’t have a chance to do any research on it, but it was in the back of my mind that I had seen this so I presented it (when I could) at the panel. I find a plague of bugs to be a less than ideal concept for the end of the world (YUCK!).

I took a moment to see if I could find the information I remembered and found this fun little piece about floating colonies of fire ants in Texas.

Smacking into one of those would certainly ruin your day, but it wasn’t what I remembered. Hunting a little more brought me to the mega-colony. Yes, it was a huge colony and it actually reaches far further than I seemed to recall. Crossing continents. Almost all of them, and they don’t’ seem to fight each other. This could be very bad news for people should these bugs ever band together.

A sharp-eyed friend of mine then pointed me to a whole different point of view. What if all the bugs GO AWAY?

Turns out we need them. We need as many variations and weird combinations as we can keep. We need to learn as much as we can to preserve ourselves. The bug-pocalypse could just be that we don’t have any. A distressing thought indeed. Now to turn that into a world ending story…

The Solution?

Maybe… just maybe a vacation was the answer.

It’s something that a lot of folks have said is a very American thing, feeling guilty for taking time off. I suspect they’re right.

I’ve been ‘on vacation’ now for a little over a week. Not a proper holiday – haven’t gone anyplace. Stayed at home. Got some things taken care of around the house. Had some time with friends with no schedule pressure. Went to a convention (there will be a report on that coming up too!) and generally enjoyed Thanksgiving.

Also in there I attended a book signing event. One of my stories is in the book Squeekie Celebrates 20 Years of the Cupboard Maker Books! I was very excited to hear that I made the cut and got my story in as a fan favorite. You should go and check out Squeekie’s page HERE. It was fun to sit with other authors and sign books for folks that were kind enough to buy them.

I sat back down here at the machine and started working again. I wrote, edited and fired off a story submission then went back and found an old story that I thought was really good. I took that story, edited it with a new eye, formatted it and fired that one off to another market.

I’ve picked up a book and plunged right through the first chapter.

I think I might just be back on track. We’ll see if this all survives heading back to work and diving into the holidays. Here’s hoping!

Slump

I thought initially to title this “The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Slump…” but I thought I might get into trouble with that one.

This year has been terrible for my creative process. I haven’t written, I haven’t read, I have barely pulled together any art.

I don’t know why. It’s frustrating.

I want to write. I want to create my art. I want to read awesome books. I just don’t seem to be able to pull together the motivation to actually DO any of it.

I look back at a quote from one of my favorite authors, “I don’t have a muse, I have a mortgage.”

I think a meeting with a muse could really help right about now.

Busy, busy, busy….

The subject line of this post is actually one of my favorite lines from the Frosty the Snowman Christmas special. It’s after Prof. Hinkle is told by Santa what he needs to do in order to continue to get Christmas gifts. He says he hates to lose and run but that he’s got lots to do. Busy, busy, busy…

And I’ve been busy. Most of the time when blogs “fade away” and then come back the individual writing that blog gets all apologetic and claims to have plans for getting better at keeping up, and many other things. I’m not doing that.

I’ve helped run a convention, I’ve met a movie star I admire, taught classes, created art, met and talked to people from a half dozen countries and still had time to catch a movie in there. It’s been a whirlwind – and I have no intention of slowing down. The stuff I’ve been busy with are the sorts of things that you could put on a checklist of “Hey I did that!” or for some people the “bucket list”. I don’t like to think like that, I just like knowing that I have so much story material now because I’ve gone out and done some amazing stuff with some great people. Hopefully one day I’ll get a bunch of stories written and published ~ but if not, I’ll still have amazing stories to tell.

Showing Up

Showing up. This is a topic that I’ve wanted to take on for quite a while now. I went to a meeting that wasn’t a couple of weeks back. I was more than a little put out at the idea that a meeting (associated with a professional trade organization) would be advertised and then nobody would show up. It reminded me of a news article I saw back during the winter Olympics. The article (here) was about an Olympic skier who apparently is not very good. She is world ranked simply because she keeps showing up – particularly when others can’t. The question in my mind becomes, is showing up enough? I’ve been rolling this around in my head for a while now and I’m still not sure I have a good answer.

To some degree showing up is the only thing that matters.

Showing up, and showing up consistently is the one thing that I’m actually quite good at. It’s something that I think is a virtue or a value and it was clearly and stated or installed I’m not sure exactly how you phrase that, by my parents. It has been a really long time since I was in high school but even then showing up, and showing up on time, was a thing that I was very good at. I actually had perfect attendance all four years in high school. Perfect attendance meant never missed a day (unscheduled – I wasn’t in class one time while I was off looking at a college) and never late. I don’t remember how many people did that in my class, but I don’t think it was many. I don’t know if I got anything from that perfect attendance. I don’t know if that’s exactly the right way to phrase that, because I did get something, I got a pin (I actually I think I also got a piece of paper or some kind of award too) but beyond that I don’t think I got anything. The part I question about this now becomes, is there something to regret? I know other people who took days and very specifically did not show up. Some of those days were apparently the Grand Adventure or the wild story that formed a significant part of their youth. I’m not sure, and never will be, that I didn’t miss something that I could have been out doing.

Grade school is a different topic. There clearly is value to showing up, if not every single day, at least consistently. Not being there will actually cause you to miss out on things you’re supposed to learn. Beyond the simple fact that you would miss things, there are actual legal requirements for kids to attend. I don’t know what the exact requirements are, but I believe there is a limit of either 4 or 6 days that kids are allowed to miss during the school year before there becomes an issue. Clear value and legal requirement.

Moving forward. College does not have the attendance requirement that public school has. I have always understood that showing up for class in college was meant to be an exercise and self-discipline as much as it was for learning whatever the topic was you were supposed to be studying. No college that I had heard of before had placed specific attendance requirements on their classes. This might be something that’s changing. I have recently heard of specific classes instituting attendance requirements in order to receive passing grades. A portion of this stems from the fact that an online presence and virtual classes now allow students who are ambitious enough to cover the topics that would normally be talked about in class on the internet without any interaction with other people. In the past as long as you turned in your homework assignments and sat for your exams those were the pieces that made up your grade. There were certainly classes when I was in college that attendance wasn’t mandatory but made a significant difference in my understanding of what the concept was we were supposed to be covering or learning about. I think that attendance or showing up certainly has value in being able to discuss ideas with others around you and garner some extra level of understanding about topics while giving you viewpoints that may differ significantly from your own.

College, showing up may not be mandatory but clearly is advantageous.

As an adult showing up is something that becomes more difficult to quantify. Any number of day to day, normal 9 to 5 jobs have very specific requirements about showing up. You must be there, you must be there on time, you cannot leave early, and there are a very limited number of days when you are allowed to not be there and even then must have an excuse. That is not to say that there are aren’t jobs available that allow you to set your own schedule. I think schedule is a completely separate question from attendance. There’s a subtle difference attendance and showing up. There are a lot of jobs out there that allow you to work on something other than a normal 9 to 5 schedule. Those jobs while not requiring specific attendance certainly require dedication and work. Essentially you have to ‘show up’ at some point and apply yourself to whatever work it is that you’re doing. The more you do that with a non-traditional job the higher the likelihood that you will be successful. Clearly attendance and the intent behind my phrase ‘showing up’ are two separate issues. Perhaps I need to define what I mean by ‘showing up’. Narrowing that down will help me understand better.

I think it’s relevant to look back at the skier example at this point. She has a world ranking. It’s her job, but also her passion (I suspect). Many people don’t think she’s a good skier at all, let alone world ranked. How can you be bad at your job but still ranked as one of the best in the world? The shortest answer here is there aren’t enough people doing what it is that you do. In this girl’s case I think it’s more subtle than that, and also more important to the chosen field of endeavor than that. No, she might not be great at what she does, but she is consistently there and consistently promoting something that she wants to see succeed. I think that’s the heart of what I mean by showing up. If you want something to succeed, you have to keep showing up. Having the idea, having a desire for something to succeed is not enough. At some point somebody has to keep showing up and doing the work. I suspect that this sport will benefit in the long run from this person continuing to show up. I know in certain professional organizations that I am part of showing up is something that has mattered a great deal and continues to matter a great deal. Membership in our professional group is declining at a significant rate. Good, bad, indifferent, doesn’t really matter if nobody’s there to see what you’re doing. What you do or promote doesn’t matter if you don’t have enough people to have a meeting. All of the benefits that go along with this group simply go away if not enough people keep showing up.

I think I’ve talked myself into the understanding that I’m trying to achieve. Attendance is different than showing up. Showing up and doing the work matters. It will continue to matter because in order for there to be greatness there has to be something available to be great at. Whether or not I will actually be great at anything can be less relevant then continuing to show up so that there is something for others to be great at.

Consistency matters. now that I’ve talked about it I recall that I have written about consistency before. I’ll need to go and dig out this old article that I had written and post it again.

Will the name of this skier be remembered in history? Maybe not. Will that matter to people in the future? It will only matter if the thing that she is promoting continues on and become something greater than what she’s a part of now. Will being remembered to history matter to her? I can’t really say as I’m not in her head. Something I can say with certainty is that consistently showing up and getting out the door and doing things absolutely matters. Showing up makes all the difference in the story of what it is that you do. In the end it will make a difference that you have a collection of fantastic stories that accumulate to make your life. Make your story a great one. Get out there and show up to something.

Audio Learning Curve

I’m sure that I’ve mentioned this before in my writing. I don’t remember where, but I’m certain that I have because I was incensed. I once read an article in a newspaper that was by one of the staff reporters. This staff reporter had, and I believe still has, regular space that presumably she’s paid well for. This article that she spent considerable space and time on said, in a nutshell, I have nothing to say but there was a deadline so I typed out all these words and turned it in. I couldn’t believe that a professional would simply put something like that out. If it were a column by a satirist like Dave Barry, then I could much more easily understand why something like that would be “newsworthy” for lack of better term. Notably satirists tend not to waste their column space. This person is nowhere near that sort of level nor is she a satirist. This is also something that always bothered about people who on their blogs or their Vlogs or their audio podcasts do essentially the same thing – putting out a big fat pile of “I have nothing to say”.

I haven’t been on the computer much at all when I’ve been at home lately. I have been on the computer for extended amounts of time at my day job. Between that and other life circumstances it has been very difficult to have something to say that is is worthy of posting, let alone finding the time to actually sit down and be willing to get in front of a screen again. I don’t want to be one of those people that simply puts nothing out there for the sake of putting something on a screen. I hope that I can put something out there that is in some small way either useful to myself or useful to others. Perhaps I’ve been unfair now that I think about it to this other person, if she put forth the article in some form or fashion saying nothing but that was useful to her. Something I hadn’t thought of before but it still makes me angry that she got paid for a number of words that essentially said “I have nothing to say”.

Today I am continuing my experiment in audio. I have set up a way to connect my technology with my technology.

Because I spend so much time at the screen already, one of the things that I attempt to do is keep myself physically healthy. Being healthy really matters for all people, but specifically for people who spend a lot of time in a sedentary position working at a screen. I don’t know that this this post necessarily counts as “something to say”, but I’m putting it out there so that if there are any other authors who feel the time crunch that I do combining family and work and other things with their craft. I have a treadmill in the same room with the computer. It took me awhile to come around to the solution, and once I mentioned it to a friend found out that it is not new or even necessarily uncommon. I have added a shelf over the front end of the treadmill and I have set up my laptop on that shelf. I then hooked my microphone in to my laptop and connected myself to the computer while walking on the treadmill. This gives me the opportunity to simply speak all of the things that I wanted to type well actually being able to walk on the treadmill and try to stay healthy at the same time.

Something else I’ve done while walking on the treadmill actually hook myself into the safety equipment. There’s an emergency stop connected to a string that you can clip to whatever you’re wearing. Normally I bypass that right away and simply use the treadmill. It’s something that I haven’t ever had problems with in the past. Now I’m clipped into the safety piece and because I don’t have a wireless microphone I’m also clipped in to the headset attached to my laptop. I think all I need now is some sort of breathing apparatus like one of those things you always see in science fiction films and I’ll look pretty out there. I went with the safety thing because I could clearly imagine the first time I tried to do this something would go horribly wrong I would fall, then the laptop would drop on my head and the tread portion of this machine would simply continue to run either or both pushing me off to the end and creating some unnecessarily painful friction.

I think I have learned a couple of lessons already this morning. First, it’s hard to type while walking so put your password before starting the walk. Next, I don’t know if there’s a way to move the cursor backwards. If there’s any kind of mistake and what it is that you said, you need to go back and edit it later. Lastly, this does make this post (and anything I’m writing) essentially a pure stream-of-consciousness writing style. I have yet to discover whether or not this will in fact make my writing any easier to read in terms of flow and understandability.

I also find it amusing, but I believe there’s the very real chance that I’ll be speaking to somebody and actually use my punctuation when I’m speaking out loud to them now. I definitely think that would be an entertaining story the first time that happens. “Oops. Sorry, I’m used to speaking this narrative into my computer and I just forgot that I was actually speaking to a person. Good news, you’re in the story now”.

Interestingly enough I’ve actually gone past my normal daily amount of walking on the treadmill while doing the speaking and still been able to knock out all these words. I think this experiment’s going to continue into the future. Hopefully that means that I’ll have more things that I will be able to say in a timely manner and get them out to my blog on a regular basis.

Now I just have to make sure that I always have something to say.