Monthly Archives: May 2026

60!

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No, not my age. At least not yet.

I have been invited to be a panelist at Balticon 60. I’m very glad I’ve been invited again. I’ve been going to Balticon (the annual science fiction convention put on by the Baltimore Science Fiction Society) since #27. I wasn’t a panelist the entire time.

My very first year at the convention the artist guest of honor was Don Maitz. I had no idea who he was, or what was going on in general really, but I walked into the art show and was blown away. I immediately saw his full size painting _40 Thieves_ and couldn’t get enough. Then there was an author reading something cool to some fans who just happened to catch him in the hallway. Panels, games, and an entire convention of people interested in the same stuff I was! Stunned and happy by the end. I definitely wanted more.

A few years into my convention journey I went to a panel and only one of the actual people who were supposed to be on the panel actually showed up. The single panelist was a bit put out by this and decided to just grab a couple of people from the audience to fill the seats and make the panel go. I got asked to sit on the other side of the table for the first time. I was hooked. It was very cool to be on the “making it go” side of things.

So, here we are some decades later at Balticon #60. I’ve been gifted with the chance to discuss all sorts of things over the years and sit with some amazing creators. 

I’m looking forward to this year, but I also expect this year to be bittersweet. My wife won’t be there for the first time since we started this crazy trip together. I will still get to see my friends (those who are still attending, but that’s another matter) and go to dinner, but it won’t be the same. Admittedly, Beck’s attendance had been limited over the last couple of years as her health struggles kept her away from anything with extended walking times involved. She still made the trip down for dinner. She could still hang with any discussion about whatever bonkers topic we came up with. There was a certain intimacy about our trips – and a shared history. I won’t have that intimacy, nor will I have the shared history anymore.

Will I make new memories? I’m sure of it. It simply won’t be the same. Too much is gone. Nothing could be the same. So I will move forward and attend to my panels. I will discuss myriad topics and share meals. It will certainly be a new kind of adventure.

IF you’re in the area and get to the convention, this will be my schedule:

 Start Time      Duration            Room Name          Session ID                      Title
Fri 7:00 PM    1 Hr          Virtual Panel Room 1       704         Knights of the Virtual Table                     
Sat 7:00 PM    1 Hr          Mount Washington           965         Curling Up with Cozy Fantasy                     
Sun 11:30 AM   1 Hr          St. George                 706         Dark Lording for Fun and Profit                   
Sun 1:00 PM    1 Hr          St. George                 699         Actions and Consequences: DMing THAT Guy 

Peer Review

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I suspect it’s depression. As a friend of mine told me, “It’s not official, but you’ve been through the peer review process”.

Have I been diagnosed? No. Do I intend to go see a doctor and get a pill? Also no. I don’t want to be medicated to be “not sad”. This is not only part of what it means to be alive but also an expected part of life. There has been a recent and dramatic change in my life. I lost my partner, my love, my constant. She is gone and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I have days that are… what most would call “acceptable” I think, and then there are bad days. Are there ‘good’ days? I don’t know. If there are days that are ‘good’ then they are very rare indeed. Certainly not reaching any of the heights I have gone to before.

I start with all this because I suppose I think people expect it? I don’t know.

My site here has been lacking for a while now. It has happened in the past, but never quite like this. I’ve been trying to figure out an analogy that would work, some kind of story that would make a more digestible explanation of what I’ve been working with.

You ever go to the fridge, grab a carton or pitcher of juice and when you pick it up it feels a little lighter than you were expecting? There’s still a little bit of hope, but then you open it up and go to pour what you want into a glass and a dribble just makes the bottom of the glass wet and doesn’t come close to giving you the drink you really wanted? That has been me trying to do anything creative. The carton is empty. Sure, there are glimmers. Tiny moments happen when I think, “Oh – I’ll do that…” and then the energy is gone. There’s nothing there.

My creativity really matters to me. Being able to make art or write or create in some way is important and I’ve just had nothing. I don’t even know if the handful of things I’ve done (simply because I had to) even count. I mean, sure, I’ve made a handful of things, but I certainly don’t like them.

Maybe, just maybe, simply going through the motions and finishing something will help. I’m not sure. No promises. No grand gestures. There is the work, and hopefully I’ll be able to get back to it.