I feel another story coming on. As soon as I can get away from the office I must hit the keyboard and get some notes down. Resource Command doesn’t seem as far fetched when I first started my military science fiction stories.
Nestle’s lobbying against your right to water…
So I totally vague-booked a while back about a story I had high hopes for when I submitted it. I try to stay away from some of the more annoying habits of social media, but I didn’t want to jinx anything. I send the story and had that sliver of hope, that teeny part that thought, “I’m so right on target for this…”
As it turned out the editors that put out the call departed the scene and the theme that I thought my story was perfect for wasn’t actually going to happen.
The folks that picked up the editor process there have sounded like they’re really decent. They went through all the stuff that was submitted for the theme even if they weren’t going to run it. They took the time, even when the clearly didn’t have to.
And that’s when I got my latest rejection letter. Crap.
I saw a question from a friend on line yesterday. What are your 5 favorite spaceships? I immediately pictured a Colonial Viper and one of the Black Tiger fighters from Star Blazers. They were immediate and real to me, but then I let my mind wander a little thinking about the others. There are the popular ones that hit most folks lists, but not really mine. Sure Buck Rogers on the 80s TV show had a neat ship, but I liked the Hawk’s ship better. The bad guys (totally don’t remember their name just now) even had cool ships. Then I thought of this other artwork I knew…
So I jumped on line and went looking for it. Yes, it was because I didn’t want to walk to the other room and unlock the cabinet I keep my art monographs in – don’t judge.
The really funny part is, the art I was thinking of doesn’t have space ships in it. Not one that I could find. You’d just need a spaceship to get there.
IF you’ve never seen the artwork of Roger Dean, do yourself a favor and go check it out. Amazing stuff.
I read an article on Shadowrun the other day and it reminded me how much I really enjoyed playing that game. I also had a lot of fun reading the short stories and novels that went along with the setting. I’ve still got a pile of game materials and even a few miniatures laying about patiently awaiting my return.
I haven’t played in years. I would love to play again. It’s a really neat, interesting setting. Set in the near future it had combined fantasy and cyberpunk and I loved it. There could be a troll riding a motorcycle wearing a sword! There could be a kid plugged into a computer helping his team get the doors open to rescue some hostage… and then I remember the computer ideas and graphics I was thinking of just then. I fear the author of the article is correct in that time has passed the technology of the game by.
When I played it was a hybrid game system that the game master made up. I don’t have any idea what parts of the rules we did or didn’t actually use. In that respect I think the article is correct – I don’t think the rules did the game justice. I’m not going to spend a ton of time on the rules.
The rules could be changed or tweaked or tossed out as you pleased. It was always about the story to me. That’s the part of role playing that really made it work. At the end of the day you had this shared experience, probably with really funny stories that made the time spent worth while. To this day I remember the time I invited a girlfriend to join the game I was playing in. The GM allowed it and gave her a ‘rock-star’ character. We played and did a run and all the things we would normally do on a game night. The girlfriend was quiet and I don’t really know if she was having a good time or not – I was into the game. The best part of the whole night for me was when the GM decided to take matters into his own hands. He turned and addressed the girlfriend directly with a question. She stopped, looked back at everyone staring at her waiting for a response and broke out her best dingy-girl voice and said, “Um, you should like talk to my manager.”
That was it – the whole extent of her role playing and it floored us all. We howled with laughter because it was such a perfect response, perfectly timed. It is a fun story. And that’s where I think the focus of role playing games should be. It should be about social interaction within your group. It should be about having fun and making stories and creating the kind of memories that make you look fondly at the things you did and the games you played. I have no idea if Shadowrun will survive or not. I can’t imagine trying to keep a near future game just far enough ahead of technology that it makes sense while mixing in game rules and fantasy world aspects. I hope the game survives and I hope I get the chance to play again someday soon.
Until then, maybe I’ll watch that promo video one more time…
Once, I was fearless. There was a time when I would just put words or art or actions out there and just let them be what they would be. I had an art instructor tell me once as she held up an old painting of mine, “I liked this painter better. You didn’t have fear. Look at these bold colors…”
It’s not easy to get past that. It seems to be getting worse as I get older, not better. Yes, I’ve moved toward positions of greater responsibility in my day job and in my community activities. Yes, people are starting to look at me and say things like, “Oh, yeah… I thought you looked familiar.” It’s almost like I’m right at the edge of…
That’s just it. The edge of what exactly?
I had the opportunity to do yet another thing that was outside my comfort zone yesterday. I took the chance and I think things turned out well. I have told people in a quasi anonymous way that I am an old school role player but I have not given that claim much agency lately. Well, I busted out the books and dusted off some old notes and for the first time in many years ran a D&D game yesterday. It was a slow starter. It was a very small group (made even smaller by the fact that one of the invited came down sick). Two of the players had never played before, nor had they had any real exposure to the game outside of what showed up on Community or Big Bang Theory. I’ll admit – this was way outside my comfort zone. I’m at a loss to figure out why, but I was not at all confident – and that’s just silly. I’ve been playing longer than either of the new players has been alive. Maybe that was it? Maybe all this discomfort lately is my stupid, weird version of a mid-life crisis? At least I won’t be trying to buy a Porsche I guess.
I fumbled, but didn’t roll a 1, so we made it through the game. I think I could have done some things better or some things differently but nobody ran screaming… well at least not from the living room. Their characters on the other hand, let’s just say it was refreshing to get the reactions I did. Hopefully we’ll get to do it again.
As for me – I think doing something and not totally failing has added to my willingness to step out and do stuff again. Perhaps I’ll be more proactive and get things done. It’s worth a shot – even if I do critical fumble, at least I’m doing the stuff I think is fun.
So, one of my recent successful writings is working its way toward being published. I was very excited when my story was accepted to the Tokyo Yakuza series. My story is slated to be in VOLUME 2, however the first volume is out now and up on Amazon for anyone that might like to check it out! I’ve got a copy and have started reading through, you should too.
All in the same me.
I’m working really hard to get my creativity on track and start getting some work out the door. My slump has cost me – I don’t think I’m being invited as a guest to my favorite convention again this year. I really would like to change that. It’s depressing and a little daunting to be dependent on others that way. I’m planning to move out of my comfort zone and try something new. I’ve had a couple of brief chats with some friends and it seems like something that *might* be able to happen. I think this Friday will be a test of that. I’ll not be at work and have the opportunity to set up one of the first steps toward making it happen.
Right in the middle of all my inner turmoil I’ve found a way back to a creative spark I haven’t felt in years. Some friends asked me about my “secret” passion – Dungeons and Dragons. I put secret in quotes because I am, and likely always will be, hesitant about telling others I play in person. Don’t ask me – I don’t understand my hang ups that well. The point is, I crawled up to the attic and dragged 6 or 8 boxes down from storage. I’ve been thumbing through old character sheets (Morgan Firedrake lives on!) and adventure notes from games I’d run in the past. I had forgotten the shear volume of work. I had neglected that creative push that was trying to stay ahead of a band of smart, experienced adventurers. It’s been really fun along with motivating.
So – there will be more on my vague “something new” project as soon as it becomes something more than a daydream. Until then, I’ve got lots of work to do (just as soon as I make one more choice in my pick your own path adventure book).
This is a post of my rant that was originally published in Watch The Skies. I have edited it for print version references from the original. IF you’d like to see it in the Fanzine, check it out over at Watch The Skies!
There’s been a lot of talk over the past few years about how geek chic and other indicators show how “we’ve won” from the “nerd” point of view. “There’s all those comic book movies and that TV show with those funny nerds and just look how important computers are!”
Bullshit.
What we have is the opposite of winning in the worst ways. It’s loss of identity combined with the strip mining of things once proudly known, only to feed the masses entertainment that makes them all believe they’re one of the “neglected” or “unpopular” side of society. I hate that I feel that way, but this feeling is deep inside me and it won’t let go.
A few weeks back I read a story about a convention that was attacked. There’s no other way to put it. If the same thing happened at a hotel where a political event were happening the entire place would have been crawling with very serious looking talking heads wondering if it was another example of domestic terrorism and likely trying to tie it to the middle east somehow. If it was your local high school football game it would probably have been handled better. Instead, what we got was a supposed news person that fails to maintain professional composure and what amounts to a “human interest” story mentioned only in passing. I’m not going to revisit all the details as it really is old news. You can read some really good takes on the story here and here. This is just the latest on a long list of things that concern me about the fan community. It might seem a little crazy or perhaps over-reactive.
At one of our recent meetings I was talking about that attack among other things and the starting point, the basis, of why I feel this way. I realized a huge segment of the population doesn’t understand because they weren’t there. I mentioned something about “The Satanic Panic” and got a questioning look. No idea what I was talking about. No idea why I was upset or what in the world I was blathering on about. It stopped me short.
That moment made me think about my reaction. Is it really just me? After a great deal of introspection I thought, maybe, but it will take me a long, long time before I’m willing to speak with abandon. I keep my passion close to me and let very few others in. Deep down inside I’m still worried about reactions the way I was when I was 12. How many people will turn and walk away because I’m associated with that “devil game”? Maybe they’ll hand me a pamphlet on how to save myself. How many people who might have still been my friends were denied that because their parents bought into the hysteria of the day? How many people won’t take me seriously because my art or my writing “look like that nerdy stuff”? How many times was “that dummies game where nobody wins” talked down or belittled even though it would become a life long attachment for me? Perhaps there will be a couple more books or movies that claim a position of “factual relevance” while disparaging music and games. Forgive me if I’m hesitant to put myself out there.
Clearly it’s not that I won’t talk about my hobbies. It’s not that I will deny loving science fiction or fantasy. I spend a great deal of time reading, writing, gaming and all other manner of fan based things. I help run conventions now. I write in fanzines.
But I know my audience when I’m doing those things. I’m still in the relatively sheltered alcove where others like me hang out. It’s mostly safe. I still don’t trust people outside of fields related directly to these pursuits. The news person from the convention attack is just the highest profile, most recent version of that.
I hope that I can use this small essay as a starting point. I want to avoid my knee jerk reaction. I’d like to be positive and sharing of the things I’m most passionate about. I want to avoid becoming the stereotypical anti-social curmudgeon warding off people with random expressions of anger. I’ve tried to look for the bright side. There are positive articles out there. Stories that talk about “lifestyle” or show the “benefits” of playing like I always have. There is so much good and fun it needs to be shared.
Have we won? No, we haven’t but our hobbies and passions have never really been about winning, have they?
My friends have all asked me about my new job. I’ve been able to answer them but it’s been bothering me that I hadn’t written anything down about the whole experience. There’s this nagging feeling that while I was laid off I should have been writing fifty thousand words a day, painting a new masterpiece while still tracking down work. I don’t know why I feel this, but it’s there floating around in the back of my mind, lurking, waiting for something to pop up and say “told you so”.
It doesn’t work that way.
So, here are some of the things that have been rolling around in my mind with regards to my time off from work and my time since returning to work.
A friend of mine said that losing a job was the most emasculating thing that could happen. I thought about it for a long time after that statement. When I was laid off it was out of the blue. There were no indicators. My direct supervisor didn’t know how it was going to happen. As I look back at the way he stated things when he called the following week to apologize to me I suspect he may have known more than he let on. I was in shock really. I had no time to consider it – I just had to turn in all my stuff and go. I didn’t have to go home, but I couldn’t stay there as the old saying goes. I would get one more paycheck and that was that.
Emasculating? I don’t think it’s the right term. It’s not the right way to state it if that’s the intent. I do know there are ways to handle it, and there are ways to handle it. I didn’t rage or scream or cry or whatever. I drove to the house trying to figure out what to do next. When I got home there were guests over and lots of activity. I bypassed all that to see my wife first. Just as I walked into our room she kicked off a shoe and it thumped against the closet door really loudly.
“What the hell was that?” I asked.
She swiveled her head toward me and said, “The body in my closet. What the hell do you think it was?”
“Well, does the body in your closet have a damn job?” I asked.
“No. Do you?” came her immediate reply.
“UH… no I don’t.”
Pause. Pause. “Oh shit… you’re serious.”
So – like I said, there are ways and there are ways. Sometimes you need to laugh – even when it’s got that slightly hysterical edge to it. So we laughed a little and then spent some time talking about what our next steps were. It’s all we could do.
I don’t wish for the time to work on things anymore. Careful what you wish for – you might get it.
I scoured the paper, job sites, Craigslist, whatever I could find looking for a job to jump up and present itself. I had 3 folks ask me to send a resume the day after I was laid off. I was really hopeful. I had an interview just a couple of weeks later. Not so bad I was thinking. I’ll get this all wrapped up and we won’t need to cancel Christmas.
Then I didn’t get that job. Or the next one. Or the next one. I sent at least 3 resumes out every week looking for anything related to my field. It was emotionally draining, that’s for sure. I don’t think I realized that’s what it was until just now. Emotionally drained. I would work on projects, but my heart wasn’t in it. I got a lot of stuff done around the house. We didn’t have dirty dishes or un-swept floors or much in the way of dirty laundry – but all that felt like busy work. I was treading water and still not making any progress on my creative work.
I had “all the time in the world” and didn’t finish a damn thing. Not one creative project got done.
Maybe that’s what my friend meant by emasculating? Not sure. It certainly took the wind out of my sails, no doubt about that. We have always lived, financially speaking, below our means. We’re not in any way rich but we actually create for ourselves something I call “artificial poverty”. We plan our budget based on what if only one of us has a job? or how do we figure it out with less money? One of the most important things we did a long time ago was decide what the few things are that we won’t compromise on. We stuck to those things and started trimming down all the other stuff we were willing to compromise on. Our diet went out the window. The least expensive foods out there are not the healthy ones. We cut our grocery bill in half almost immediately though.
We tried to keep things as normal as possible for our daughter. We kept the special program at the school running for her as long as we could. We wanted her to know that this would mean a change but that we would all be OK no matter what happened. She shrugged and said, “OK” and that was that. I love her to pieces. Totally unflappable. Right up until we had to tell her we had to cancel the special trip we had planned for Christmas. That sucked a lot.
I had, insanely perhaps, clung to the notion that I’d not miss a beat and bounce right back into my specialized kind of position and no worries. Not so much. Christmas was very Whoville for us. It was still wonderful, but it came without the same level of boxes and bows.
Three and a half months. Not the worst amount of time off I’ve heard or the worst even of folks I know. Still not a fantastic amount of time to be out of work. Particularly not right through the holiday season. Then I had an interview that was not only encouraging, but downright hopeful. It sounded like one of those “too good to be true” situations. Turns out – it was just true.
I got picked up at a firm about 3 ½ miles from my house. When the weather clears up a little bit I could probably walk to work without a problem. It’s exactly the kind of mix that works best for what I like to do. I get a little bit of everything and not too much of any one thing.
My first week back was exhausting. Despite keeping to a strict time schedule and continuing to get up early every day the change of going back on the job was a big one. No more 2 hour movie lunches. No more naps when you might need them. All the cleaning that was handled so easily before got bumped right back to the old way of getting to it. I was happy to be exhausted.
The new place is quirky and weird, but is growing on me. I’m hoping I’ll be there for quite a long while. Six weeks now and things don’t show any signs of slowing down.
Did I learn anything? I think I did. I remembered that when things go wrong the people closest to you pull together and help you get through. I learned a number of techniques for slimming down the amount of money spent each month. I learned that a lot of places not only understand, but have plans in place for when people lose their jobs. I learned that some places don’t understand – or if they do, they don’t care. Most of all, I learned that the right mind set will carry you a long way. It was very easy to become deeply depressed over all the things that were “wrong” while I was out of work. It wasn’t as easy, but it was much more rewarding to stay positive and work toward getting back to work.
I also learned that I really do value the things I do outside of “the day job”. I like writing here. I like getting my stories out there for consideration by publishers. I like working on my artwork. Working on these things isn’t really work at all – it’s just a question of finding the time now that I’m back on a full and busy schedule 😉
One of my closest friends, the man who introduced me to my wife was stunned when I told him that Wednesday is the 20th anniversary of my wedding.
I am more happy and more in love now than I ever imagined I could be. Twenty years is not enough. I need forever.
