Category Archives: Personal Observation

Musing

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Sometimes I forget how much I used to ‘cheat’ and grab time to write from various places. A few minutes here, a couple of paragraphs there. These days those moments seem to be filled in, like water flowing down between ice cubes in your glass. The big objects are there and still relatively the same, the spaces in between are suddenly filled.

Here we are 2 weeks into the new year and I haven’t posted anything yet.

Looking back, it makes sense. There are lots of things I don’t share out here on the internet. There are things that people outside of my immediate, real world circle don’t need to know. There are things they don’t get to know. I realize that my readership numbers are not such that this is an actual problem… but perhaps someday. I will continue to treat this as if somebody actually reads this and cares.

So, along those lines I can say that while many things have changed, even more have stayed the same. Something I have noticed though is a distinct continuation of the creativity slump. When I looked back at my previous “welcome to the new year” post it showed that I’d read something more than 30 books that previous year. This past year I didn’t break 20. That’s dismal for me. A deepening slump.

I’ve submitted less of my writing as well. There just hasn’t been the inspiration… and it’s pretty clear that I need a muse. I’ve been pushing along my D&D playing and writing things for that, but it’s not translating into a creative bump the way it used to.

I have all the bits to work on miniatures and terrain… and have slumped terribly there too. It’s just not moving. There’s lots of amazing content out there to teach and show how to create excellent terrain. There are some amazing artists on my socials that show off great works (and let’s be fair, some not so great – but that’s just as helpful in many ways). I still haven’t been able to even muster a dungeon tile set.

So, what do I do? Where do I start?

I don’t know. I don’t have a good answer for that. It fills me with fear that the drive to do those things is seeping away. I love all that creative stuff. I crave great stories. I want my stories, my art, my creativity to be out there and be part of this amazing, creative world… and it’s just not going.

What do you do? How do you contact your muse?

Walk the Walk

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Claiming something and doing something are two different things. I have told any number of people that I have the ability to walk to work at my new place of employment. This is an entirely true statement. It is another thing altogether to actually walk the walk as the saying goes.

So I did it. I walked to work today. I learned a number of things along the way.

First, walking to work should be a matter of personal and environmental health, but actually comes down to schedule and payload. Walking to work requires that I adjust my schedule. Takes me about a half an hour to get there. That’s significantly longer than when I take the car AND totally limits my ability to react quickly / get someplace quickly in an emergency. It also limits how much stuff I can drag with me. Packing my dress shoes, lunch and other stuff into a bag and slinging it over my shoulder doesn’t make for a lot of carrying capacity, as opposed to just tossing stuff into the back seat and then grabbing it again on arrival.

Second, there’s a bias to driving. There are certain things that are simply part of how I consider things when I’m driving. One example is my mask. Masks are required when entering the building I work in. I don’t think about it because my mask is always in my car and I just grab it and go… only I didn’t bring the car. Guess where my mask is? Yeah, still in the car. Had to pick up a temporary mask at the desk on the way in. I realized I forgot something else I needed today. When driving, I’d think very little of popping out at lunch time, doing what I needed and getting back. Today? Not so much. What I forgot is staying at home.

Third, and this is where it gets gross, is environmental concerns. I’m lumping stuff together here as it relates to being active and being outside. No, walking to work shouldn’t qualify as ‘active’ but it’s still a physical activity. It’s an outdoor activity, so the weather the time of day and other people (and their pets) all become part of the equation as well. Bluntly, even when I’m just strolling someplace – I tend to sweat like Conor McGregor at a spelling bee. When I got to the office, I was sweaty under the backpack I was using to carry stuff. I was also outside and it was a damp, foggy morning. I felt pretty damp by the time I got in the building here. It was dark out when I left. I took extra care in crossing any streets. Then there were all the pet owners out with their dogs. There were quite a few – and I had no desire to deal with them. There weren’t any who stayed on my side of the street while I was walking, but the… remains of one such walker were in clear evidence on the sidewalk. Sidestepping that was important. I don’t want to show up at the office smelling like poo.

Once I got up to my desk it actually took me a few minutes to adjust, change shoes, and generally pull myself together after my stroll. Some of the “adjustment” stuff might get easier with practice. Some of it might not. The only way to know, is to walk again… although probably not tomorrow. There’s someplace I need to get to right after work and walking there just isn’t going to cut it.

What I need to figure out next is how to record myself speaking while I take this time to walk. I have a friend who does a ‘cast of his morning walk every day. I’d love to use that time while walking to help push creative things ahead on this page. Hopefully this will continue to be a thing. I’ll keep you all posted!

The Thing That Gives

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I’ve been feeling guilty about not posting here for a while. I know it has been both far too long, and not really all that long at the same time. It’s difficult to understand the dichotomy.

The internet has a tendency to make people feel like there is a constant need to connect. It’s a constantly hungry mouth demanding more. You feed it and you feed it and sometimes you fun out of meat for the grinder. It’s been three weeks since I’ve posted here. That’s an eternity when you’re hoping to build audience and be able to push “your brand” and create all the things. People want content. If the content isn’t here, they move on. It’s tempting to write some kind of bullshit post about emptiness or a lengthy diatribe about creativity. It’s so absolutely common. It’s also infuriating. I read a column by a local (paid) member of the newspaper once that was paragraph after paragraph of her stating that she had nothing to say. OK. Great. You’ve got nothing to say. Give up your column space to somebody that does have something to say. It was so insulting that I’ve never read anything by that person since. If her name is in the by line I skip it. I don’t pay the paper to be delivered anymore. It’s easy to fall into that trap though. Should I be putting up empty notes just to keep something popping up in a feed someplace? I mean, it’s been three weeks! That’s an eternity on the net.

On the other hand, the real world has been quite busy. Something I have always heard is that the best stories come from what you know. Well, you don’t actually get to know anything if you don’t go out and *do* anything. So I have been. I mean, I posted recently as far as the real world goes. Three weeks in the grand scheme of things is NOT a very long time when you look at it compared to all the things there are to go out and do.

In the end, I remembered the very first thing I posted when I started blogging. I write this because it amuses me. It is MINE and mine alone. The blog gets what it gets and I hope people enjoy what they read. I am working on other stories and getting them published. There will be more as there is more. Until then, I’ll share this:

Yorrick?

Go see a play. I took my daughter and one of her friends to go see a play put on in an open air theater in the area. They performed their version of Hamlet (slightly modified for a shorter run time). It was glorious weather. We ended up with spectacular parking and great seating. Then the real fun started. The kids got to see an interpretation of the stuff they have been forced to study in school. There were great moments like, “Get thee to a nunnery…” when I leaned in to the girls and whispered, “you know he just totally called her a ho, right?” OR the part when we were walking back to the car and they said, “They blame video games? That play had like 3 poisonings, 2 executions and 4 stabbings… not to mention talking to a skull.”

It’s all about your perspective I guess.

Modulating the Wave

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I’ve been away from here for a while. It happens. There’s probably some kind of wave pattern here, but I’m not going to find it. I have had a lot of feelings about so called “productivity” and what that means. I’ve been working hard at doing the things that I’m moved to do as I feel like doing them. Sometimes I practice niksen. Niksen is the Dutch art of doing nothing. Sounds silly, but it matters. Taking time and just letting my mind wander. Staring at the screen saver on the TV and just watching the fish swim. Breathing, closing my eyes and listening. Trying to get all the junk signals to quiet down and focus on the ones that matter.

I recall posting about this before, but I’m going to say it again in case there are folks that have missed it in the past. At one point I was reading a regular column from a local new source. This is someone holding the job of writer at an actual news source. Yes, writing the “local view” type columns, but still a pro. Then this writer filed an entire column that said, “I have nothing to say. Seriously, there was a deadline and I came up empty…”

I was furious. This person could have relinquished the weekly spot to somebody with something to say. Could have put in anything at all and it would have been better than “I got nothing”. I stopped reading that persons work (yes, still employed at that new source) and constantly question the managerial choice of keeping this person on board.

I will never do that here. IF I’ve got nothing to say, guess what? There won’t be a post here.

The biggest issue for me here is that I have things I want to say frequently but they tend to be time sensitive type things and by the time I get the chance to type something up it feels like the moment is past. So, for right now – I’m riding the wave. There maybe be a flurry of posts, there may be a gap. Perhaps I’m trying to change the wave pattern of my production by going to stare at some fish.

Mood Matters

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I know that being a pro in the field of writing – any writing – requires the ability to write on demand. Deadlines must be met. Words must be produced. Nobody will pay you for the fanciful ideas floating in your head until you write them down (or draw them, or paint them, or build them). Waiting for inspiration is the direct path to never selling anything. Writing takes practice. It means repetition and expansion and edits among many other things.

I often quote a very famous author who has a slick statement about inspiration. “I don’t have a muse, I have a mortgage…” is a great quote. It’s easy to say. It’s hard to back that up.

I am far more attached to my mood than is good for anyone who wishes to be successful as a creative artist of any kind. The combination of creative drain from my day job, my inability to focus on a single kind of creativity and the things that happen in my day to day life often mean I am drained and just have no creative juice left to flow when I get to the keys.

I want to include some kind of declaration here about how I intend to do more, be better or whatever would fit, but the truth is that mood matters. I have made many declarations like this in the past and none of them have ever pushed me past certain barriers. Schedules, task lists, extensive notes are all wonderful and helpful things but none of those produce inspiration. There’s no spark. I’m going to keep struggling along in the best way I can. I’ll keep looking for that moment when a story leaps fully formed from my head, into my fingers and directly through the keys. Mood matters.

What inspires you?

Changing Attitude?

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I once heard a very famous author state that he wanted nothing to do with the internet. He based this (I vaguely recall) on the idea that people would then be able to go back, digging into past comments or opinions he had posted from years ago, dragging them out and trying to judge them by some current standard. It was a prescient commentary from a science fiction author. We are now seeing what can happen when people go digging into the past, looking for any scrap of conversation made by (fill in person of choice) in years gone by. Once on the internet, out in public forever… I try to be mindful of this. Part of this past author’s comments were based around the idea that a person can learn, change and grow. The things that once were a passionate position may have been challenged and defeated. Education can happen. Changes in how a person lives, works, acts or presents themselves are common. This is true of anyone.

It’s also true that technology, truly successful technology, will find it’s way into your life. What was once edgy and new will move into the realm of the commonplace. Exceptional will become expected. Delivery methods of said technology will become streamlined and efficient. I place e-reader (Kindle specifically) in this category.

This amused me

I saw that cartoon and it made me wonder how my opinions on certain things have aged. So I went digging (I am in no way known or popular enough to have people trying to dig things up on me). I was fearful that when I went to look at my posted blog comments they would contain the sort of statements that seem outlandish or desperately funny (or worse).

I was most shocked to discover that it has been 10 years since I first wrote about the Kindle. I got my first e-reader back at the end of 2010. It was a stand alone device. I remember my own hesitance toward the device. I occasionally argued against them. I didn’t like certain aspects, but the convenience very quickly won out. In the decade since the stand alone device has merged into phones and tablet tech. The e-book is ubiquitous and somehow the paperback survives. If you have a deep seeded need for nostalgia, you can check out my original post HERE and then check out the follow up a few months later HERE. The second one would definitely be a different vibe today. I don’t think most people would have any issues letting somebody peruse their book collection, but I don’t know anyone that would unlock their device and just hand it over to a coworker to check out… but that’s a topic for another day I suspect.

What’s on your bookshelf right now? Is it virtual?

Withdrawal

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I had big plans for stuff this weekend. I did. Somehow the wheels came off that vehicle and here I am skidding to a stop on a Sunday night facing another long work week where I doubt my productivity improves. This is another one of those “heavy sigh” posts. IF you don’t want to stick with it, I understand. Short version – I withdrew from being part of the con staff team for Discon / World Con.

Some of you know that I was part of convention staffs for many years. It’s a volunteer thing, but it was being part of the fandom community. We had something really special and we made a lot of folks happy. Then that all stopped, rather abruptly. When it stopped I decided that being a department head and helping create a positive convention atmosphere could be handled by others and decided to focus on growing my own presence as an author or an artist as a guest at conventions. While it was still work, I did what I could to make it an enjoyable thing. I really do love it when fan groups get together.

A friend suggested / recruited me to be part of the team that is putting together the World Science Fiction convention this year. I was a little hesitant because I know the work that goes into pulling together a smaller con – world con was going to be significantly bigger than that. I decided I would be part of the team. I know how it all works but I wouldn’t be in charge of anything or anyone – I could just work hard and help out.

Some folks in the fan community are aware of the controversy surrounding the con breaking ties with the person they invited as the editor guest of honor. This has become a significant mess – and I sympathize with the people being put in a position where they are forced to deal with this. There was no way everyone was coming out happy after all was said and done.

The problem – and here’s where it gets to the part about *me* – is that it has brought out some of the worst behavior in the fan community I’ve ever seen. Bluntly, it’s extremely disappointing. I withdrew my support from the convention and left the staff. No, it won’t likely have much of an impact on them. No, I am not writing this as some kind of side picking or declarations of “correctness” for the community at large. It’s because there’s something more important that I think we can all work on.

Here is a slightly edited version of what I wrote to the folks that needed to know on the con staff:

The recent controversy surrounding the removal of a GOH is the starting point, but not wholly the cause for my withdrawal.

The first I heard of this was seeing an ’emergency meeting’ with regards to this being posted. It was the single night of the week that I didn’t have a meeting, but calling something an emergency does tend to garner attention. I signed on.

While on the zoom meeting, and within the first 5 minutes of my presence there, one of the attendees (and I’m sorry that I didn’t stay to record his name for later reference) declared that if you were associated with this Baen board you were either a racist or you were tolerant of racists. Sweeping generalizations about people he doesn’t know and has never met based on a single piece of information. He declared ME a racist or tolerant of racists. He’s never met me. He never saw me. He simply decided that the members of a particular group could be easily labeled and lumped together. Tell me again what everyone’s upset about? I left when the shouting started. I do not have time for that.

There continued to be a lot of talk – and I have been following along. From discord (staff server, not public) – so I don’t mangle the wording:

but I can only apologize for my own bad behavior. It’s no excuse that some of the other children were being naughty as well.

The “I was bad but so were others?” defense? Really? My daughter does better than that. You’ll say “he apologized” but was it really an apology or just an “oops I got called out”? Because there certainly was no retraction there.

“…but I can see the concern about losing people if she goes too. I just don’t figure we want those people.” (emphasis mine)

“Those people”? What sort of person does that sound like?

This is all coming up during the week with some of the most challenging weather conditions in a century across the country (including loss of power for con chair), but waiting until the weekend to make further announcement (after potential meetings, discussion and thoughtful consideration) was unacceptable and we need to have a vehement response immediately?

For the record, advocating violence is not acceptable. Yes the convention should and has made it clear that attendees will be safe. None of that is wrong. Civilized free speech ends when your speech declares the existence of others needs to end. It is not acceptable. Painting with the same paint, just pushing the brush in a different direction is not different, nor acceptable either – and that’s exactly what the “team” has done. It doesn’t feel like a team and certainly doesn’t seem very welcoming to me – never really has. This just cemented it.

I realize that my family’s health issues have kept me from being more assistance than I would normally be for con staff, but stepping directly back into that has made me believe my time, effort and emotional well being would be better off doing something else. IF people on the team want to wrap themselves in a blanket of self righteousness and deal in absolutes while casting unfounded aspersions at other people on the team they’ve never met, I don’t have the willingness to try to be part of this.

Thank you for taking the time to read this if you’ve hung on this far.

That was what I sent, but I want to emphasize something here. WE are ALL responsible for our own behavior. Each person must consider what they are saying and how they go about putting their words out toward others. Words have power. Words have meaning. Turning the same type of words, set in the exact same kind of argument framing as those you argue against back toward them will never help. The convention staff is a microcosm of where we are as a whole in the fan community. People are using the slight anonymity of an online presence to say things they would never say if they were standing face to face with the same people. I am frustrated and saddened that it has reached this point, but I feel that leaving the staff of something I was very much looking forward to was important for my own well being.

I’m going to focus on continuing to build an open, accepting and welcoming fan presence with Watch The Skies. I hope that will be something that fans can work with and share in building.

Called Out

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I have spent a fair amount of time lately talking about Dungeons & Dragons. It’s a hobby that has been with me (almost) all of my life. It has impacted me deeply and changed a number of things for me. I love the game. I have written and spoken with others before about the scars left by the years of the Satanic Panic and how it forever changed my view on many things. What I have never, ever considered is what sort of impact this game that is so meaningful to me would have on somebody that doesn’t look like me, or that didn’t grow up in an environment like mine.

A friend of mine recently posted an article about fantasy role playing being racist to its core. I was a little shocked by this accusation. Only a little shocked as I’d been hearing some rumblings about it, but never anything direct or clearly called out. The article did just that. It pointed directly to all the things that other people found completely wrong and racist that I hadn’t given any thought to. I didn’t ignore this on purpose, it was simply that it literally never occurred to me. Never gave it a thought.

That – the complete thoughtless nature of that statement – is ample evidence of living deeply ensconced in white privilege. I can say that I have not been, nor do I believe that I am a racist – but the pure ignorance of the situation does not help, nor does it lend itself to any believable argument supporting my statement.

Wizard casts mirror image

Story telling has always been my jam when it comes to D&D. I routinely bend or ignore rules that don’t suit my story or my willingness to slow a good story down. I have just accepted the parts of the kit as given and used them to tell stories. I don’t (for the most part) limit my players if they wish to mix and match things that the rules say don’t work or stop them from playing anything against type. The problem is that the “type” exists. I don’t know how to fix that.

Everyone believes they are the hero of their own story. It’s a sweeping generalization that ignores the core of the problem, but it does show a certain something that I struggle with in story telling. I have come to despise the “misunderstood” villain. Yes, there are tragic stories out there. Yes, some people do the wrong things trying to achieve an admirable goal. At some point there needs to be a line drawn. There is such a thing as “bad”. Sure, Dracula might have a tragic love story involved somewhere in there, but he eats people. He’s not misunderstood, he’s a monster. He’s the bad guy. Stories need a ‘bad guy’ to work against. Someone to hinder the hero, work against them and provide the ability to learn and grow past a certain point.

One of my favorite antagonists of all time is the operative in the movie Serenity. Above and beyond the simple fact that Chiwetel Ejiofor is a fantastic actor and does amazing work with that part – the operative is a fantastic ‘bad guy’. He’s relentless. He does all the things you think he shouldn’t do, all the things that make him a monster. He does it because he believes he’s doing the right thing. His belief that he’s on the side of right is absolute. Having a believable and nuanced antagonist is critical to a good story.

Does the ‘bad guy’ have to be the black guy? I hadn’t ever really given it any thought, but others might read into it differently. I want to argue that the color of the actor, doing a magnificent job delivering that part, doesn’t matter BUT I’m not the one routinely experiencing racial prejudice. Tying this back to D&D, do the Orcs have to be the ‘bad guy’? Are there people that read into the race of orc a representation of black people? It’s not an easy question. Are they “evil” simply for being born to a group that is not your own? Doesn’t seem right to think that way. There are rules and statistics connected to what race a character can be in D&D that certainly show a racist bias (and to be fair I only see this now because it’s been pointed out to me). It could be a case of ‘it’s always been that way’ and I’ve been unknowingly perpetuating something that others find deeply offensive simply by enjoying my favorite hobby as it has always been.

Some folks have taken this topic on head first. There is a Kickstarter out there (that has already funded) creating alternate rules for D&D 5e that eliminate the racial based parts of character creation and replace it with ancestry and culture to explain starting bonuses and penalties. I really like the concept. I may buy the supplement to adapt into my own games even though I don’t play 5e. It’s a system that seems to make a lot of sense. It’s certainly worth checking out.

I’m hopeful that since this systemic racial problem has been pointed out meaningful change will happen. Something with as much weight and history as a 50 year old game isn’t going to change quickly. It needs to, but it will stagger under it’s own weight. It’s tempting to take a shot at gamers and say they’ll stagger under their own weight as well – but perpetuating another stereotype doesn’t help. Some of the people involved will not recognize their own privilege and rage at anyone trying to change what they perceive as their own domain. Geek culture has raced to popularity lately, but that doesn’t change the thought processes of people that have felt marginalized or socially disparaged for a significant part of their lives. It’s going to be a long struggle, but one we all need to start NOW.

The first step to correcting anything is admitting to and understanding that there is a problem. Fantasy gaming, D&D in particular, has a problem and I have unwittingly been part of that problem. Now that I am aware I will be more thoughtful of how I represent things, people, situations and characters across the games I play and the stories I write.

I would love to play in or run a super diverse game. I have always taken purposeful strides toward inclusivity and gender balance in all the games I run. I want to do better. I will do better. Knowing more will help. Being aware will help. What sort of things have you encountered (good or bad) in your game experiences? What suggestions do you have for creating a more diverse and accepting game environment?

Productive

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This weekend was one of productivity. It was nice to be able to get back to a place where I felt good about time well spent. There were games with the family (I even won one!), story submissions made, contracts signed, galley proofs checked and plans set in motion for a new secret project.

Research was done, writing was done, new equipment was set up and hooked to the computer. Blog posts made, news feeds checked and household chores polished off with ease.

When I posted about the sad and numb feeling I had after giving in to a lost weekend and comparing it to an addiction, this is what I meant. I missed being relaxed and doing the things I enjoy. Spending time with the family is important. Games, relaxing and generally having a good time matters. Yes, we watched about twenty minutes worth of television. Having a form of entertainment like that around is not in and of itself a terrible thing. Giving in and doing nothing else is. We thoroughly enjoyed the new series of short cartoons from Pixar, then got take out from a local Korean restaurant. Was it perfect? No, of course not. Some of the plans I had for the weekend fell apart. I was prepared to do some filming for YouTube and that totally didn’t happen. No big deal. Changes happen. Things evolve.

Sound like a lot of stuff for a single weekend? That’s the point. I’ve maintained for a very long time that there are too many cool things to do in this world and not enough hours in the day to do them all. That’s a small part of why I always seem busy. I want to do… everything. Why wouldn’t you want to create or play or chat or whatever it is that you enjoy the most?

Coming soon – new work! The contract I signed is for a story that will be coming out in March. I’ll definitely let everyone know when it’s available for sale!

Addictive Behavior

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I had every intention of being very busy and productive over this past weekend. Some of what I planned on doing was being on here and getting more posts lined up. Clearly I failed at that. I was thinking about it and I genuinely believe it had everything to do with a level of addictive behavior from me.

I know there are folks out there that will think this is a pile of nonsense. I half agree honestly, but I want to put it out there because edging toward understanding is important.

I really think that I have addictive behavior and tendency when it comes to watching television. It’s a feeling I have. Don’t know how to explain it. I’m not generally an addictive personality but I AM a complete child of media. When you see those memes about GenX being that “lost” generation that were the first of the latch key kids? That’s me. Come home, let yourself in, lock the door and entertain yourself until we get home from work. It’s not good or bad – not trying to judge here, just giving context. It’s also when MTV started (among many other networks you may feel have “always” existed). I watched a lot of television, saw a lot of movies and this learned behavior has stuck with me ever since.

So what I’m saying is that, as stupid as it sounds, I really can’t break away from TV. I find myself floating back to it even when I *know* there’s not a damn thing worth watching. Then I get all depressed and disappointed when the stuff I watch is total shit. I know this probably sounds even sillier when you couple it with the facts that I was a Nielssen household member at one point AND I write a monthly piece for Watch The Skies called “You Should Be Watching” where I suggest fandom related content to go and check out.

This past weekend I estimate that I watched somewhere between 16 and 20 hours of TV. Maybe more. I lost track of all the stuff I streamed across YouTube. That’s way, way too much. I know this. I couldn’t help myself. I lost all productivity as I jumped from movies to football games to binge watching a cartoon series on Netflix (yes, both seasons of it). Football is really tough to sit through these days, but I did it. All four playoff games. Yes, some of it was likely to become history as very famous players end their careers, but it’s just a mess to watch. The ad time alone has stupid marketing stuff swirling in my head (OK – I’ll give the Tag Team ad props – it makes me laugh more than it should). I saw the new film “Outside the Wire” and it wasn’t bad… it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad. I watched Bill and Ted Face the Music. I had really high hopes for it… and those really high hopes weren’t matched.

In the end I just came away sort of sad and numb with nothing to show for my time.

I am thankfully not addicted to other things in that way, but this is a small step toward understanding what folks struggling with addiction deal with. It’s not easy to deal with. It changes how I feel physically and emotionally. I’m going to work hard at shrugging this episode off and try to limit how much time I spend with the TV. Yes, I’m going to keep working the Should Be Watching stuff. No, I won’t take the TV out of the house (the only way I know to stop an addiction – take away the thing you’re addicted to and don’t have access). I am not the only person living here with a desire to be passively entertained from time to time… I just can’t let it be ALL the time. Thankfully this IS something that can be controlled.

IF you’re struggling with something, stick with the plan you have to be better. Keep working at staying away. There will be tough days, but don’t let those days beat you. Be strong.